Buffalo Bill
by renegadebabe
Summary: Shep may be a putz, but she's still going to save the galaxy. This is a Mass Effect 1 story that ends with Shep's death at the beginning of ME2. Shep is an Earth Born sole survivor, and her manners are a little rough. FemShep and Liara pairing big time. Warning: lots of humor, cynicism, foul language, literary/Star Trek/Star Wars references and Shep loves the ladies.
1. Chapter 1 Thats Shepard to You

**Chapter One - That's Shepard To You**

Kate Shepard (_that's "Shepard" to you_) walked onto the bridge. Joker and Kaidan were bitching and moaning about the new Spectre that was here to "observe". "That's enough!" she snapped a little too firmly. Always too firmly. Oh well… after 30 years in this galaxy, she'd given up trying to change: she was as immutable as the earth's sun and as fiery.

She actually loved Joker; he was the kid brother everyone (preachers excepted) wished they had. He was funny as all hell and he was the Netflix of porn. The man's library of scatological titles filled zettabytes of the Normandy's data banks, and he was as generous as an asari dancer after a 50 credit bonus and a few shots of ryncol. She'd availed herself of his collection a few times when she had enough downtime to crawl between the sheets in her cabin (once in a blue moon), but her real vice was romance novels. She'd rather slow dance with a batarian than admit it to a soul (_that's "Shepard" to ALL of you_).

Kaidan? He was a little like a horsehair blanket: you know it's got you covered but it makes you itchy-scratchy like hell. His closet Elvis Presley hairdo and twice-ironed Alliance blues were one thing. But she knew whenever she bent over or answered her cabin door in a tank top and boxers that his winky did the hula dance. _Stop. Do not pass go. Definitely do not pick up any poontang her_e. His plumbing was all wrong. She said as much (firmly, always a little too firmly), but he was one of those guys who thought they could change a gal. Or maybe he planned to surprise her in a sundress and heels. "We're back to slow dancing with batarians again," she sighed to herself.

The men were in a huff because of this Spectre called Nihlus. Captain Anderson wanted her in the comm room to meet the turian. She headed to the meeting, and Dr. Chakwas intercepted. That woman may have majored in internal medicine, but she minored in (kindly) meddling and interception. She probably wanted to tell Shepard that on her next mission she could go for a simple gunshot wound instead of going for the trifecta of stabbing, gunshots and a concussing crack to the noggin that she'd indulged in for her last mission. That mission earned her a medal, thrown with all the others into a drawer under her stash of OSDs belching with romance novels.

"Doc Chucknuts, how can I help you?

Dr. Chakwas shook her head slowly, the terminally neat and maternal gray mop on her head refusing to budge. "Shepard, I simply wanted to suggest that on your first meeting, you try to offend Nihlus less than you did our new chef."

_OK, so the guy shed a few tears into the linguine… it's all salt in the pot now, right?_ Shepard nodded curtly, keeping her mouth shut.

"I hear he's here to observe *you*, my dear" Chakwas continued. They're thinking of making you the first human Spectre, so try to not get his knickers in a twist." Ah the British and their endearing turn of phrase.

Shepard marched on, straight-lipped and straight backed to the meeting.

Captain Anderson seemed relieved when Shepard finally entered the comm room. He was by no means the consummate politician, that's why Shep liked him more than any superior officer she'd encountered in her already hearty Alliance career. That's why he was so on edge his eyes darted back and forth as if someone had let a pyjack loose in the room. A delicate situation… yep. Whatever. If this guy Nihlus was here to observe her, let her work speak for itself, not her delicate antebellum ways.

"Captain," she greeted Anderson.

"Shepard, let me introduce Nihlus Kryik. He's here to observe us for a few days."

"It's a pleasure, sir" Shepard said as she turned to salute the turian.

"There's trouble on Eden Prime, the geth are attacking. We need to get you and your team down there to evaluate and neutralize the enemy," the captain continued.

"How bad is it, captain?"

"Colonists have been killed and the local forces are overwhelmed. We've lost comms with most of them. It's gotten ugly fast. Eliminate the geth threat and do what you can for the survivors."

"Aye, captain."

Shepard rounded up Kaidan (there's no one she'd trust more to cover her back) and Jenkins. They hit the airlock and Nihlus said he'd follow separately. Strange guy: so much for safety in numbers.

Things were indeed ugly on Eden Prime, aka Club Med for humans. She wasn't sure what they saw in the place; the sky there reminded her of the noxiously dirty pink air of her hometown New York, New York (once America's top burg, now its Seedy Apple). Whoever said "red sky at night, sailor's delight" was a sick fuck. But the trees and hills did remind her of a much more refreshing northern California retreat.

So much for vacation reminisces. The team shot their way through geth and husks fresh off Dragon's Teeth. Outnumbered (the Alliance theme song), Shepard rolled for cover behind a rock as Kaidan did his bow-legged Elvis swagger and took out two of the enemy. Shepard popped up from behind cover and nailed three more as a shot glanced off her armor. God bless those upgrades she's installed just last night. She motioned behind her to tell Jenkins to advance. The coast was clear for now. When she didn't hear his footsteps, she turned around to see him face up on the ground 30 meters back. "Goddamn! Kaidan, hold on, Jenkins is down." They backtracked to find their compatriot dead. Fuck, fuck and crap, she thought to herself. _How in the hell did this happen when I was at his one o' clock, in the line of fire?_

"Hello, Alliance here, don't shoot." A woman in uniform was jogging toward them. "I'm sorry about your party member, the geth have taken down my entire team as well," she said, looking briefly at her boot buckles.

"Commander Shepard, and you'd be?"

"Ashley Williams, ma'am. Gunnery Chief of the Frontier Division. "

"And what happened here?"

"No warning. The geth descended and have been taking out every organic sentient life form in their path. We tried to protect the colonists, but we were overwhelmed. We radioed for help, and I'm assuming that's why you're here?"

"Bingo, Williams. Join us for the rest of this dance, why don't you? We could use a woman with a shotgun or two to finish off these fuckers."

And so Shepard, Kaidan and Ms. Williams were off to the ball. They encountered a civvie outpost and found two PhD types inside. A woman with a clear head and a Dr. Manuel who smelled like he'd peed in his pants more than once recently. The woman told them the geth had come through doing what they do best: killing. Dr. Manuel spiced it up with incredibly useful tidbits like "We're all going to die!" and "It's hopeless, you know." The clown grabbed at Shepard's neck in a panic and she had no choice but to clock him. That went over well, but Shepard convinced the woman that Manuel was on his way to a cosmic mental breakdown and someone had to snap him out of it. The woman, once she was done glaring at Shepard, told her (well actually, she'd only make eye contact with Ashley now) that the geth were heading toward a Prothean beacon. She knew that thing was trouble and it had some kind of power, though she and her buddy Manuel couldn't figure out what in the hell it was.

"Good times, let's head out team," Shepard barked. And so they started the long jog (_jeez, why is every mission a track and field event?_) to the beacon. Along the way they encountered a guy who had slightly better social skills than Manuel but more secrets to keep. He wasn't eager to speak the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but once Shepard reminded him that smugglers didn't get toe warmers for Christmas, he found his words. He claimed to have seen one turian kill another, and it was damned odd, because it looked like they were friends. Ah, that crazy loner Nihlus, maybe that's why he's not answering his comm, Shepard thought to herself. But who was the other turian?

Off to the races again, they soon found out that Nihlus, like poor Jenkins, was now pushing up the daisies. Kaidan, that stickler for rules and decorum, nearly had a fit. He had a point: it didn't look good when their new pet Spectre got killed on their watch. _Oh, fine. There's that._

After taking the tram to the beacon's location, they traded bullets and biotic throws with the enemy. Ashley was damned fine with that rifle. And her ass wasn't a bad sight either. Good times. They reached the Beacon and Shepard advanced. Kaidan triggered the thing, but she pushed him away. Suddenly a blast entered her thick skull and the world got uglier than a second rate rave after a World Cup event. "The world is too much with us," Wordsworth said (_fuck you, yes I read poetry_, she thought). Her world went blessedly black.

* * *

**A/N:** My Shepard might seem like a twit, but stick with her- she'll surprise you. All comments, reviews and PM's welcome. Unlike Shep, I won't bite ;)


	2. Chapter 2 Om Shanti

**Chapter 2 – Om Shanti**

Shanti ran the backs of her fingers slowly across Shepard's cheek, lingering where they traversed the two full ridges of her lips. Shep darted her tongue, trying to tag Shanti's butternut fingers. Shanti giggled and tapped Shepard's nose quickly before leaning down to kiss her. Shanti always tasted like cinnamon and cardamom. _Mmm thought Shepard… the peace which passeth understanding._ The world fades away, only this moment matters.

Then the sky turned red; not-good red with bursts of angry yellow. Something is very wrong here, Shepard could feel despair like a heavy humidity in the air. She was alone, but somewhere many others stared out at the malignant sky with hollow eyes. She could hear them but she couldn't understand their language. Where the fuck was she?!

Before she could figure it out, she was on Akuze. _Oh crap on a stick, last place I want to be!_ Thresher Maws popping up everywhere like a bad Dune parody. People dying in the most hideous ways. Her heart beating wildly, soldiers screaming running shooting. _Gods help us all._

Shepard was suffocating. She gulped for air as if she'd been underwater for 2 minutes. Opening her eyes she saw the med bay lights and Dr. Chakwas peering down at her, looking uncharacteristically fuzzy headed. Shepard blinked and Chakwas sharpened up. A good sign: hell would certainly be a place where the doc had wild hair and three eyes. Shep must be alive. She tried to speak but instead croaked something in gibberish.

"Relax, Shepard. You've been out for 15 hours. Kaidan said you got too close to a beacon on Eden Prime and it did something to you, though for the life of me I can't figure out what. Your vitals are perfect but your brain waves have been all over the map."

Shepard propped herself up, called it good when she didn't acquiesce to gravity's siren song and said, "I'm alright doc. Water?" The doctor got her a drink and checked her vitals again. Everything looked OK and the commander's brain waves were returning to some semblance of normal (was Shepard ever completely normal?). The good doctor said that she wanted Shepard to take it easy until the next morning, but she was free to return to her own quarters. The grapevine said that Shepard was in line for a meeting with the Council once she awoke and received doctor's clearance. Shepard was always in line for a big firefight or a politically weighty meeting. Overachieving orphan girl.

"Dear, no ballroom dancing tonight. Get a good night's sleep and catch up on your messages. Have a fresh eye and a civil tongue for the Council tomorrow."

"Yes mama Chucknuts, will do. Some hot cocoa and a grilled cheese before bed allowed?"

The doctor dismissed her troublesome charge and Shepard realized she was starving after 15 hours with no chow. The woman ate like a krogan, and no wonder given the daily mileage she put on her chassis. She headed for the mess hall. Though it was 21:00 hours, the new chef was still there. _Oh awesome. Just what I need, to run into the latest person I've offended_. Hunger trumped pride and dread (good solider), so she continued into the mess hall.

"Hello chef," Shepard said, trying to sound like roses and puppy dogs. Chef looked at her as if she was going to claim that he'd tossed a pound of cayenne pepper into the chicken consume.

"Hello commander Shepard. What can I do for you?" (feed you ground varren burgers?).

"Hey, I'm sorry about earlier. My mouth runs parsecs ahead of my brain, and that's on a good day. I can't resist a joke, no matter how lame." _Is it my fault his name is Neil Licks and I made a joke about what he must do with the sides of beef_, she though to herself, knowing the answer full well.

"Not the first time I've heard it commander, not to say that you aren't original. I should have handled it better," Licks quipped.

"You're not a Marine, and I shouldn't have subjected you to our special brand of love. Glad (I hope, damn I'm hungry) to start over if you're game."

Neil Licks nodded the affirmative and said "I hear you've been laid up awhile, how about something soothing from our own planet earth to fill you belly without sending you to the bathroom?"

"Sounds lovely, Licks… Bring it on!"

Chef made her a bowl of chicken soup and an electrolyte shake for a good measure of hydration. He tossed two slices of mild garlic bread onto the plate, so her belly would feel full. Man, it was good, so good. She sat back, trying to suppress a belch (_Licks isn't an Italian name, so he won't think a belch is good, right?_) and smiled contentedly. She was already liking this short, slightly round man with the wacky Einstein hair. His smile was maternal (_can you say that about a 45 year old guy?_) and his wit had a little edge.

She pushed the empty plate away and smiled. "Thanks, chef. Sorry again I was such a fuckhead. You've given me the energy to catch up on light years of red tape."

"My pleasure, commander," he smiled happily, with no seeming ulterior motive. Some folks just like to feed other folks, Shepard though to herself. Fancy that.

"Off to the red tape parade," Shepard said. "Goodnight, chef."

"Sleep tight, commander. Don't let the bureaucracy bite… too hard."

Shepard smiled and headed to her quarters.

The next morning, Shepard, Kaidan and her newest crewmember Ashley Williams were told to report to the Council on the Citadel. Shepard liked Council meetings as much as a herpes outbreak but it was part of the job. And she loved her job. Making your way through the Citadel was like finding your way through a twentieth century shopping mall, only on a devilishly grander scale. Everything seemed designed to take you out of your way, distract you or keep you circling past the bars and weapons dens until you bought something. She might hate this even more than Council meetings. Given the seeming miles they traversed to reach their destination, there was plenty of opportunity for chitchat. OK, there is something worse than Council meetings and navigating the Citadel. Fucking talking. Worse yet, fucking talking about freaking dead Jenkins. She didn't know him well, but losing someone under her command? If she weren't more practical and already covered with scars, she'd take the cattail whip to her back. And that would be so Opus Dei, which the nuns at the orphanage taught her was so tch-tch.

More miles of gray corridors (couldn't they afford to buy more than one color of paint?), two rides in identically septic elevators and a jog up a long flight of stairs and they were there. Piece of friggin' cake.

Alright, boys and girls. And what do you think happens when you tell the Council as a lowly human, that 1) you earned a dead Spectre on your watch, and 2) your intel says another Spectre offed him? Oh, and they're both turians. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 credits. And the accused Spectre, Saren, holo's in to say you're a freaking idiot with Earth spam for brains. The asari and turian Council members look at each other, shake their heads with that tch-tch thing (how like the nuns they are, but less fair) and any hope of Shepard being Spectre-ized are dead.

After the meeting, Shepard pow wows with two more spanked and dejected humans: Anderson and Ambassador Udina. Kaidan and Ashley stand behind them, grumbling to each other about the bright minds that control the galaxy. Udina says a dude named Harkin might have a lead on a turian named Garrus who might have a lead on Saren. Got that? Sure you do. Udina says go to the wards and you'll find Harkin.

She tries not to think of Udina saying she's not good enough. That's apparently behind his opportunistic ass right now, and he suddenly thinks she's the key to mankind's success here. Asswipe politicians. He'd feed his daughter's puppy to a krogan if he thought it would get him a Council seat. But if there was a rogue Spectre on the loose, she wanted it taken care of. Once again, she and Udina shared something in common for remarkably different reasons.

She and her team jogged with urgency through the byzantine corridors and obscenely huge promenades, hoping they'd find Harkin and Garrus before day turned into night and then turned back into day. After much chitchat, it turns out a quarian named Tali had the real deal. That conversation didn't start easily: Shepard and her team had to take out a lot of baddies to save Tali's ass. Apparently they wanted the intel on Saren just as much, and were willing to kill for it. Three guesses as to who used to pay their wages? Bingo: Saren.

Tali felt she owed Shepard a big thank you, and offered her info with gratitude. The enviro-suit clad woman spoke eagerly as she showed the team a holo proving Saren's guilt. The more exited she became, the more her seemingly Russian accent got the best of her. "Da, baby," Shepard thought to herself. Good times.

Shepard brought her new friend to the Council and boy did the two ladies turn their sandbox upside down. Suddenly Shepard was God on a stick and Saren was Darth Vader's darker brother. Udina, that smirking SOB, was imagining how good he'd look in that photo of him as the Council's newest member. Somebody call Emily Wong! And just like that, our fair Shep was Spectre-ized and sent off into the wilds of space to catch Saren's sorry ass.

* * *

**A/N:** T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland" ends with "Shantih shantih shantih", which he footnotes as "the Peace which passeth understanding".


	3. Chapter 3 What Sister Fatima Said

**Chapter Thee – What Sister Fatima Said**

Shepard settled into her new quarters on the Normandy. Having taken Anderson's place, she had private quarters to herself. She threw her gear down on the table and tested out the Swedish flatbread that called itself her bed. "Hello Shepard, throw your hard as nails ass down on me and see who wins," it sneered. Surly bed. Hey, it's a double and it's all mine, she thought as she bottomed out on the stiff mattress. She pulled out her OSD (one of those burping with romance novels) and entered her encryption key. She started a new page in her personal files section:

"_Dear Diary,_

_Today I was made a Spectre, what did you do? "_

OK, Shep, it's sad when you gloat at a diary.

"_Yes, that moment was huge. But I think it was more of an honor when Dave Anderson turned over the Normandy to me. If I were a girl (a girly-girl), I might have cried. " Since the Academy, he was her everything: father, mentor and hardest critic. "I want to do right by him, not just to show him he chose well, but to show the Council he was the only one who had a clue that the galaxy was about to get royally fucked out of existence." _

No one since Sister Fatima had such a strong impact on her. Not her dead father and not her psycho (and also dead) mother. Sister Fatima turned her onto poetry at the orphanage school. Sister Fatima was the only person who didn't hate her for what she'd done when she was twelve. Shepard hated herself for what she did at twelve. You would too, she was certain.

"_We're (me, Wrex, Kaidan, Tali, Ashley and Garrus) heading into the rodeo to nail Saren, but I think we're also on the geth's tail, and that's big monkey shit. Wow, so many new names, huh Diary? And so many aliens on a human Alliance ship. I'm cool with that; it's humans that are buggered up beyond belief. Tali? Mega-geeky girl with a funny accent who I think is going to be one bodacious hacker. Garrus…. Haven't known him long but turians are so groovy: smart, honorable and fighters to the bone. No wonder they own C-Sec. And Wrex? If anyone is my homie, it's that krogan. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Take no shit and hold no prisoners. True to his kind, he's the consummate warrior. What a shame they're sterile. I'm actually impressed that the krogans aren't still trying to end every last turian in revenge. The krogan are more levelheaded than they'll ever admit. Heck, maybe they even read poetry. Yeah, right Shepard."_

She closed out her diary and entered the secondary encryption key. Torture her and you'd sooner get the Normandy's master override than that key (chances of either? Zilch. She'd had needles put in her left eye for less and said nada). Physical pain don't mean diddly when your own mama put your hand in the fire when you were nine. By the time she was ten it started to feel good. It was good to feel something, anything. It was even better to say there isn't shit you can do or say to me that will break me. Fuck you, bite me and eat my waste. You are not the boss of me. Whew, chill Shepard. Pour another glass of that whiskey you've got stashed in your bottom drawer. Yeah, that's better. Shepard made her mind do a Mako swerve back to Sister Fatima. Soothing and sane thoughts, Om. The nun said that Ulysses had a rough time of it and so did Oedipus millennia ago. Suffering isn't new and it isn't all about you. Sister Fatima had a clue. She gave Shepard the keys to the library and taught her how to be human, one book at a time.

When Shepard wasn't closet-reading poetry and the classics, she was hotwiring skycars and shaving firing pins for Raptor rifles. Man, she loved to build shit and tinker. And when she wasn't tinkering, she was learning to control her biotics. She accidentally pulverized a few precious volumes and one (_gee, where did that come from?_) modded grenade when practicing, but who's to say what really happened. Sister Angela was royally peeved, but even she let Shepard slide… even though Shepard accidentally set fire to her habit.

Shep actually liked the Catholics' rules… but their religion? Not so much. If there's a God, he's even more oblivious than the Council. He would have struck her down at age twelve, he would have… Oh, never mind. The Greek gods were more her cup of thessian tea: mischievous, horny and wise. There was a god for everything and somehow that kept the world humming along just fine. The many species in the Alliance and their myriad strengths and weaknesses reminded her of the gods.

Shepard looked at the time on her OSD. 20:00 hours. Too early to hit the sack and she was anything but chillin'. A good time to get to know her new crew better. She headed toward the cargo bay to see who might be game. Ashley was there, doing what gunnery chiefs do best: playing with guns. She seemed happy to see Shep, and asked permission to speak freely. Oh boy, that's never good: they either want to whine about something, question your command, question someone else's command or complain that you're spending too much time admiring their orchestra and balcony. And Williams had some of the better seats in the house. Hey, compared to Garrus and Wrex or Super-Suited Tali? You bet your bippy.

As it turned out, Ashley had a fear of aliens. Right, that's why she joined the Alliance: so she could fly merrily through space with seemingly earless blue-faced woman, grumpy lizard-necks and floating sentient jelly fish. Clearly, Ash had some issues to work out. And Shep thought *she* was conflicted, Williams took the cake and ate it. Shepard thought how Ashley would look working a big piece of iced cake into her mouth. Shepard realized how this would put her right back into the orchestra and balcony predicament. She cleared her throat and gave Williams the spiel on teamwork and how the galaxy couldn't survive the geth without it. She reminded Ashley that the humans managed to nuke each other and decimate parts of their own planet. Long ago, humans had tried to kill each other based on something as bloody irrelevant as skin color (_get the parallel, Williams?_). Humans still bugggered little children and abandoned them regularly (_careful, Shepard_). The Greek gods were hungry and fallible, but humans? Man, they were piss-poor mockups. Give me the aliens any day, and not in the super-sized hamster cages Williams wanted them confined to on the Normandy.

Shockingly, her little rant actually made inroads into Ashley's head, and the woman might someday see beyond her family's unfortunate history. Ashley's crazed weasel look was gone and she appeared calm. Good times. Shep said her goodbyes and headed for Garrus' station.

"Hi big fella, how's the rarified air of the Normandy treating you?" she asked.

"If Wrex stops farting over there, it will be better, Shepard" Garrus said with a straight face and bright eyes.

She knew she liked turians. Now she knew why. She put one hand over her nose and said "I'll ask chef to wrangle up some varren fillets, they might agree with him better."

Garrus laughed and suggested a little barbequed pyjak for hors d' oeuvres. After an easy silence, she asked the big man why he'd left C-Sec for this little watering hole in the sky. He clicked his mandibles and grunted before answering. What was with that turian jaw-clicking thing, she wondered? They're like an entire race with loose dentures. The big man's story lead to his distrust of the powers that be (good fella') and wanting to see the galaxy at large… a galaxy where no doubt Saren was up to no good. That worked for her, she told him.

"OK, goodnight Dentures, we've got some off-roading to do on Therum tomorrow."

"Dentures?" Garrus said quizzically, as if his translator had failed him. But Shepard was already off. Damn that human is zippy.

"yo, yo, yo, Wrex," Shepard said as she checked in with the lizard man. Her homie, her fellow crank.

"Shepard," he grunted. He just loved to say her name as if he were saying "checkmate". What that meant? Gods only knew.

"Glad you're on board, big man. Think this trip will be everything you hoped?"

Wrex rumbled, "a storm's coming, and you and Saren are right in the middle of it."

Hard to deny that she was often at the center of the galaxy's juicier tempests, but she was always surprised that others wanted to join her there. "So you a storm chaser, Wrex?"

"My people are warriors. With no hope of reproducing on Tuchanka and expanding our homeworld, we take to space and fight. It's in our blood."

"Noted," she nodded. "So we gonna take down this fuckwad Saren together?" Shepard put her hand up in a high-five position, and the krogan nearly toppled her on her ass when he slammed her palm with his.


	4. Chapter 4 Once in a Blue Moon

**Chapter Four – Once in a Blue Moon**

Up bright and early for their next adventure, Shepard packed some energy bars and triple-checked her armor's buckles. Gods, was there anything she loved more than a mission? With guns and more guns; and schwing- the Mako. They were heading to Therum, but not because Saren would be there. No, things are never that easy in the Alliance; you chased after a person who had a lead to someone else who knew something about your actual target's whereabouts. Matriarch Benezia was supposedly in cahoots with Saren, and her estranged daughter was on Therum doing an archaeological dig according to Udina. There were soap operas less complicated than the average Alliance mission.

Shepard decided to take Garrus and Wrex on the mission. Firepower plus killer biotics: the breakfast of champions. Besides, Kaidan bitched too much about her driving and Williams needed a little more time to watch those "aliens are our friends" vids before Shep would make her cover their backs. Joker lined them up for the drop and before she could click her heels twice, they were on the surface.

She dropped the Mako into gear and it lurched across the rough and unforgiving terrain. At least the path to the asari's dig site was clear, a rare treat. Shepard hit third gear on a straightaway, grinning and bouncing like a rainforest monkey at the wheel. "Just call me the queen of NASCAR" she shouted happily at her compatriots.

"Shepard, to go in a straight line, most of us would not move the wheel so many times to the right and left," Garrus said as he suppressed a belch.

"Terrain's not even, my turian friend, so I massage this here Mako around the rough spots."

"Massage?!" the krogan moaned. "Impact blast them is more like it."

The Mako's nose rose 10 feet in the air before slamming down on another minute lump in the ground that had apparently offended Shepard. Garrus grabbed a barf bag and made distinctly unsavory sounds. Wrex turned away and grunted either in disgust or an attempt to avoid joining Garrus.

They encountered turrets and geth along the way… so much for that friendly "Welcome to Therum, Jewel of the Knossos System" sign ahead of the refinery. The Mako's guns took them out, along with Rocket Troops in the tunnels. The team reached a rocky impasse and exited the Mako. Wrex and Garrus sucked in the fresh air, seeming to prefer the vulnerability of foot travel to Shepard's Mako escapades.

"Oh, fuck! Shock Troopers swarming at our 8 and 2 positions, look lively cowgirls," Shepard barked as she rolled behind a rock and started taking out the geth forces. After clearing them, Garrus used his most excellent sniper rifle to take out their sniper and a particularly pissy Armature.

They headed into the mine and rode an elevator down. If possible, this one was even slower than the Alliance elevators, and that gave them time to spot more geth on the lower level. More bang-bang, shoot-shoot and a few biotic throws later, and the coast was clear. They advanced cautiously toward a room glowing with blue light. An asari was floating inside a big blue bubble, and Shepard could tell this wasn't the asari's idea of yoga. She looked up at Shepard with big, round eyes and pleaded for help getting out of Prothean bubble-land.

"Dr. T'soni, I presume?" Shepard quipped, as if there was world enough and time for a teatime greeting. The asari made direct eye contact and nodded, never moving her eyes from the Commander's. Shepard's uber-cool left her and she felt like a Slurpee abandoned by a careless child on a hot summer boardwalk. Her creaky knees felt a wee bit too tired to hold her up and her stomach dropped three inches closer to her intestines.

_What the fuck, Shep! Get a grip! But O my gods, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Not just her curves, though those deserved a few statues in the Louvre, but that face like a pre-Raphaelite painting, those stunning blue eyes… so wide and trusting. Oh Jesus Christ on a stick!_

Bump. Garrus nudged her. Shepard moved to tinker with the control box to unlock the console the asari had indicated would set her free. The good doc was smart enough to trap herself inside the contraption's bubble, but apparently hit a few too many buttons on the way, and was now free-floating herself to anxiety central. A few "hmms" and key strokes and the Commander had freed the asari.

Liara stumbled toward the group and Shepard moved forward in case the woman collapsed. _Oh, please don't look me in the eye again._ Liara looked into Shepard's green-gold eyes and simply said "thank you." Shepard had only been to the Louvre once, but she'd never seen anything this transcendently beautiful. The Mona Lisa is just a dame compared to Liara. Once in a blue moon do you see something like this asari woman's sublime perfection.

_Oh Shepard, you are so fucked (yeah, you wish). Time to act like a Spectre now, and don't disappoint your diary._ She asked Liara why the geth might want to mess up her party dress. Garrus translated that into something more palatable while Wrex chuckled. The asari had no idea, and when confronted with her connection to her mother, the Bambi eyes turned into jet blue flames as she exclaimed, "I am NOT my mother!"

"OK, point taken Dr. T'Soni," Shepard said. Smitten or not, Shep never let her emotions (_wait, I have emotions?_) get in the way of a judgment call. The doc seemed truly offended and more than a tad disgusted with her mother. Shepard realized she wasn't the only one with mother issues on this rock. The team agreed to take Liara T'Soni back to the Normandy to gather further intel… and they couldn't exactly leave her here for the geth and whatever Saren had planned.

Leaving is always such sweet sorrow and that meant more geth and a krogan Battlemaster with halitosis and a serious case of too tight underwear wanting to waste their "puny" asses. They cleared the way and radioed Joker to bring them back to the Normandy (NOW!).

Back onboard, Shepard considered chatting with the Council about her success. No, that could wait. She poured herself a shot of whiskey and thought about what had happened on Therum. You know, what *really* happened on Therum. She'd had a Louvre flashback of all things. She'd been stopped dead like a Mako at a lava lake by one blue lady. No one since Shanti had that effect on her, and she was just a kid when Shep and Shanti were a thing. Fuck, she had to get to know Shanti before that woman made her nether regions twitch. This doctor T'Soni had rearranged all her organs in thirty seconds. It's just a freak thing, Shepard. You haven't been getting enough booty and you've spent too much time with asari lap dancers (alright, blue women rang her bell if you must know). _Note to self: get your ass to Omega soon and hit Afterlife for a little snatch-crash. Cure this itch before it turns into a distracting rash. Yeah, that's the ticket. You're already over this Shepard. Hair of the dog that bit you: go see the asari now and regain that famous Shepard Chill._

The Commander took to the halls of the Normandy and made her way to the med bay. Doc Chucknuts commended her on returning undamaged. Two things: that woman never had a hair out of place and she was *always* at her station working. Shepard gave the doctor her best snarky smile and headed to see Liara.

The asari's head was down, and she was at three quarter profile reading from a terminal. _Now see, Shep; the big blue lady won't bite._ Liara turned and smiled at Shepard with eyes that lowered until they were half closed like a contented cat's.

_OK, she bit. It hurt, particularly in those damned knees again_. Shepard sighed. Nothing is easy. _Life throws you blue curve balls, just ask Ulysses._

"Doctor T'Soni, I just came by to see how you're acclimating."

"I'm doing well, thank you Commander Shepard. And thank you for saving me today. Goddess knows I might have been trapped in that bubble for an eternity."

"That's my job, Moon."

"Moon?" Liara shook her head. "Forgive me, I haven't spent much time with humans, or anyone since I've been away on digs these past few decades."

"Decades! How long do you people live?" exclaimed Shepard. Shepard knew full well how long asari live. Now Shepard sounded like a stupid redneck ignorant fool in front of the blue Mona Lisa. Oh, good times Spectre Commander Putz.

"Stupid question, Liara. Never mind," Shepard spat out. The asari nodded her head graciously.

"So, tell me about your mother. Any information about her involvement with Saren could help us nail that fuckhead."

Liara didn't quite grasp the finer points of "fuckhead", but she wanted to help. She couldn't believe her mother (granted, not her favorite person but not a monster either) would be partner in an attempt to harm the galaxy. Her mother was an activist who wanted the asari to take greater part in shaping the galaxy and its relationships. She wanted to make the galaxy a safer and saner place, and the asari's long history and grounded ways could be of great aid.

"Well then, Moon- anything else you can tell me about your mother or your people that might help?"

"Moon again," Liara though. Whatever can a small body orbiting a planet have anything to do with her? She wanted to be helpful to this important human who'd saved her, so she proffered what she thought were the salient points of asari culture to an outsider. "Our people are often misunderstood because we are a mono-gendered race. Though we may look female, either we or our mate may take on the roll of the father. Usually it's the other race that fulfills the father role since we procreate or become impregnated by mapping our partner's DNA. The mating act, not to be confused with the sex act (though those are linked) does not require transmission of male fluids into a female duct."

Shepard's knees were already screwed, and now she turned OSD-white. _Just what I needed: an instant introduction on how to mate with an asari. How the fuck did we get here! And they say I have no social skills! This is frigging surreal._

"Umm…," Shepard said. Somehow, the geeky asari took that as a cue to continue. _Just shoot me now._

"We can mate with any species, and in fact that's considered desirable since we bring in new DNA to strengthen our species. Asari to asari mating is rare and is frowned upon. There's a stigma attached, though we asari are too polite to comment upon inter-species mating."

"So Benezia was your mother, and your father was a…?" Shepard asked, despite herself.

"I am a pureblood, though my mother would never tell me who my asari father was. They must have loved each other a great deal to risk so much approbation. But my father clearly didn't love me enough to admit her parentage."

"Liara, I'm sure your dad loved you. Who knows; maybe she's dead or doesn't even know about you," Shepard said.

"You are most kind, Shepard. But I suspect she and my mother both wanted to keep it a secret to save face for both of them."

Sister Fatima was once again right: Shepard didn't have a trademark on suffering or fucked up families. She smiled warmly at the asari, and wished the moment would last a few cycles. Shep forgot the awkwardness, and felt at peace with Liara.


	5. Chapter 5 The Udina Family

**Chapter Five- The Udina Family**

Shepard left Liara's quarters in the med bay and headed back to her own posh new digs. She felt tranquil: something was wrong, very wrong.

_"Dear fucking Diary,_

_Felt at peace with Liara?! What the bejesus was I thinking? I am an Alliance soldier flying through frigging space to fight the baddies. I am not at peace. I do not stand for peace. Whoever came up with the phrase 'peace officer' was full of monkey crap."_

Shepard exhaled harshly, snorting at the OSD as if it doubted her. She gave it a little shake and glared at it from the corner of her already less than sober eye. Time to set that creepy slab of silicon straight.

_"I have not used the word 'peace' since Shanti. And even that wasn't my goddamn fault, that's what her name means in Sanskrit. It's a Brahmin thing. And if there ever was a posing, pretentious Brahmin family, it's the Udinas."_

She reached for the whiskey glass beside her board-thin double bed and drew down the remaining half glass. Shepard looked at the ceiling, wishing she could see the stars and a path to freedom. Instead she saw bland tiles topping her tight box of a room.

She remembered thumbing through Shakespeare's Sonnets in Shanti's dorm room at the Alliance Academy. The Academy wasn't big on the classics, but this was Shepard's own copy; a gift from Sister Fatima and Sister Angela the Frying Nun. Shepard was 18, and so was Shanti. She read sonnet 18 to Shanti as if no one had known love before her (not even the dude who'd written it). Look at the sonnet number, it was meant for 18 year olds foolish with first love.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate."

_Yeah right, should have been:_

'The world will wail thee like a makeless wife;  
The world will be thy widow, and still weep"

Shanti ran her bare leg, smooth leg against Shepard's inner thigh under the covers. This wasn't nunville; whatever happened in your dorm room stayed in your dorm room. And that first year, she and Shanti spent many daylight hours and gloriously sleepless nights in Shanti's room. Shep was on scholarship, a ward of the state, so she had roomies. Shanti's family had money, so she had a single.

Shepard jumped out of bed and headed to the small fridge to get the chocolate syrup. She drizzled it around Shanti's dusky aureole and licked it off slowly. She kissed Shanti, chocolate kisses and wished for whipped cream. Hell, they'd make their own.

That lasted until they were twenty. And then Shanti's father, Donnel Udina, soon to be Ambassador Udina, had put an end to it. Orphan fucking Shepard wasn't good enough. She wouldn't raise their status. She didn't fit in with the Udina family's plans.

Shanti's mother, Ginger, had the IQ of a dimwitted pyjak. Shepard and Shanti were just great friends in her mind, because "the boy was the mixing spoon and the girl was the bowl". No really, I'm not kidding you. They tried to tell her, really they did. Likewise, she couldn't quite grasp the situation with Shanti's brother Ravi and his boyfriend (two spoons and no bowl, oh my). Ginger spent most of her time getting her already fair hair bleached a frightening shade of platinum and trying to learn how to cook Indian food. Her curry killed cockroaches. Her Chicken Masala made the family dog barf. But she looked great on Udina's arm (how else could that constipated old buzzard line up a babe with double-D's that was ten years his junior?). She came from a good but slow-witted family of ancient Anglos. She was fertile.

Clearly, Shanti hadn't inherited her mother's wit. She was sharp. But she had an air of innocence not unlike her mother's, and she was devoted to Shepard. Until she wasn't. Shepard attended one of the usual Udina family dinners, thankfully prepared by the Bengali cook and not Ginger. Udina and Shanti's three brothers scrutinized her as if she hadn't been at 50 dinners before. Did she have sauce on her lip? She dabbed self-consciously. Soon to be Ambassador Udina pulled her away after dinner.

"Shepard, fun is fun, but it is time for my daughter to take her rightful place."

Shepard wondered if that meant she was supposed to propose to Shanti.

"Your background is just not suitable for my only daughter. Your family once had promise, but in fact you are an orphan and an outcast. Were it not for your intelligence and biotic abilities, you would be no one at all."

"But we love each other, and I'll be an Alliance officer when I graduate," Shepard said, caught off guard. To think she once looked up to this greedy weasel.

"That is not enough, Shepard. Let her go. Our family is destined for grander things."

"No, I love her. Nothing is more grand than that!"_ Grand, who the hell in the twenty-second century uses words like that?_

"Look at yourself. You used to hotwire cars. You fell in with a gang for a short time. That is not what Shanti needs. Your own mother tried to kill you, Shepard. What does that tell you?"

"How do you know about that?" Shepard shrieked. "My records were sealed. I was a minor!"

"I am soon to be Ambassador, I can find out anything I need to know about a person."

_My mother tried to kill me. My own mother._ She left the Udina household and wasn't seen at the Alliance Academy for two days. When she returned, it was with the Vedic star Magha (Shanti's birth sign) tattoo inside her right bicep. Shep would show Shanti how much she loved her and they'd work through this together.

When she returned, all of her cloths were back in her room, along with her dessert treats. The maraschino cherries had spoiled.

In Thruster Mechanics 201, Shepard took her usual seat next to Shanti. The slim girl with the long straight black hair and butternut skin turned her head toward Shepard but she didn't make eye contact. She cast her gaze down and quietly moved one row down, five seats to the left. It might have been the harsh lights of the classroom, but Shepard though Shanti's eyes looked glassy. Shepard would never know for sure. Shanti transferred out of the class and switched her major to Galactic Diplomacy. Their paths rarely crossed by Udina's grand design.

Shep threw herself into school, into Military Strategy and Logistics 304. She interned on spaceships in the summer and fought on the ground of planets far from Earth. She earned her first medal before graduation. She was going to be like that guy Tom Cruise in that ancient vid "Top Gun". Top of her class, show the world type of gal. Only she had more common sense and unlike Cruise' character she wasn't hobbled with the IQ of a squirrel and homeless dick syndrome. She didn't get to sleep with Kelly McGillis- her best flight instructor was a salarian… unlucky there. Fuck relationships, fuck politicians and of course, fuck the Udinas.

At graduation, she was valedictorian. She would start her first assignment on a ship in two weeks. She gave the valedictory speech with a minimum of foul language. She could follow the rules. She loved it when there were rules and the world made sense. She looked out from the podium and saw the Udina family lined up, ready to sing the school song like Hades' version of the Von Trapp family in the Sound of Music. Shanti gave her a look that could melt even a krogan's heart. Then Shanti reached over and squeezed the hand of the young female cadet beside her. _Oh, shit on a stick with cow pie cream._

Shepard had downed another glass of whiskey during her walk down memory lane. Maybe it's time to switch to ryncol. More likely, it's time to sober up: tomorrow's another big day with a trip to Feros. She headed to the mess hall for some chow. Neil Licks (_damn, why did that name sound so familiar?_) was leaning behind the counter. Garrus and Tali had chairs pulled up. At 22:00 hours? Somehow the Normandy's mess hall had turned into AA's Twilight Zone version of a bar.

"How's the dextro treating you, ladies and gents?"

"Oh, hello Shepard, how are you?" Tali said in a chipper voice. Her conversation with Garrus had obviously put her in a good mood. Or perhaps she'd just found a way to mod the Mako's hull plating.

"Good to see you, Shepard." Garrus added.

"Dentures my man, did Wrex chase you out of the cargo bay with his farts again?"

Garrus chuckled and Tali tilted her head in curiosity. Nosy race, those quarians.

"What's your pleasure, Commander?" Neil Licks smiled as if he couldn't wait to turn the Normandy's stock of space Spam into a leg of lamb just for her.

"Veggie burger and a chocolate shake would float my boat just about now."

"Coming right up!" Licks ran to the stove and started humming happily.

Yep, she had a feeling this was as close to family as she'd ever come. And that was alright by her.


	6. Chapter 6 Blarg!

**Chatper Six – Blarg!**

Heading back to her cabin with a full stomach and a better frame of mind, Shepard was nearly at her cabin door. A shadow crossed her path in the dim corridor and she felt movement behind her. She sucked in air and her left hand glowed with biotic energy as she turned to cover her own ass.

It was Kaidan.

"Monkey nuts on a stick Alenko! Why the fuck are you always creeping around my cabin door! I could have fried your balls off!"

"Sorry, Commander Shepard. But my station is right next to your cabin and I heard you coming in late. I thought something might be bothering you if you're prowling near midnight."

"I was bloody walking, not prowling and why in the name of St. Francis are you working so late? Didn't I tell you to get some R&R? Relaxation sharpens the mind. Go iron your uniform or comb your hair. Re-read your Lau-Tzu. And I'm sure Shanti has sent you at least 7 PMs you need to answer."

Kaidan blushed and said, "You know boss, it still seems so uncool to date your ex. I mean, I know that was a long time ago, but still."

"And I've told you at least 400 times that I'm perfectly fine with it. I give you my blessing, child. Run forth, be happy and make little Kaidans with her."

"But, I'm… I mean we're not that serious. We just dated a few times… though she does message me a lot. But I'm not sure she's my type. I'm not even sure I'm *her* type. Sometimes I think her father, the Ambassador, is more interested in me than she is. Wait, that sounded wrong. What I meant was- ."

"I know what you mean, Alenko. Her father is an overbearing, I mean forceful man. He just thinks you and your family would be a dandy annex to the Udina foundation. Nice to know someone qualifies for his private club. Be honored. Be happy. Be horny _(for her, not me!)_."

Kaidan was feeling worn down. Somehow this was his personal Groundhog Day. They had this conversation over and over but nothing really changed. Set the alarm clock for 23:40 hours and try again tomorrow, fella.

The next morning, Shepard suited up for a hike on Feros. Chilly garden spot of the Attican Beta cluster. There's nothing like a dusty planet covered by the ruins of a long dead civilization to get your long johns toasty. Since the planet was rife with Dr. T'Soni's beloved Prothean archeological bits, Shepard elected to take the asari on the mission. She wanted to see how well those famous asari biotics performed, and she wouldn't mind looking at Liara's ass in her new armor. Shep's heart flutters over Moon were a thing of the past, and this mission would prove it. Tali would ride shotgun since there was some tricky tech on the planet. And why were they here? Oh yeah, let's backtrack to last week's episode of "As the Alliance Turns" to recall that jaw-clacking bastard Saren had fucked with the poor people of this planet. There was chatter indicating that Benezia, Saren's supposed Cat Woman, might be on Noveria, but she wasn't ready to off the blue girl's mom just yet (_Ever! Gods I hate my job sometimes!_). Honestly, it wasn't easy picking among her crewmembers, and they were all eager for a mission. Closet Elvis would no doubt sulk in some dark corner with his ancient Gibson guitar and strum love songs. Ashley would say something about wanting to protect Feros' human colonists as her eyes went googly and her trigger finger twitched. _Patience, Grasshopper, my dark-haired gunnery chief_.

They exited the airlock and met with the colonists of Zhu's Hope, a traumatized bunch, who, like all messed-with planetary inhabitants, were mad at whoever told them this planet was like a never-ending Nantucket vacation with fat paychecks. Saren had indeed been here with his merry band of elves and things were a mess. These civvies were making like crazy commandos, aiming their rarely used guns at anything that moved. Shepard told them they were here to take care of their geth problem, and agreed to the usual spate of errands. Fuck, nobody else was helping these poor folks out.

They fought geth, and Shepard had to admit that Liara's singularity was the best thing since chocolate sauce. Tali picked digital locks and broke encryption like a Russian hacker. Good times. But they had to get to ExoGeni HQ on this rock, and that meant a jaunt in the Mako. Booyah! Shepard couldn't understand why her team wasn't as enthused. Tali sounded downright ill. Shepard wondered how quarians dealt with upchuck in those suits. Sensitive constitutions, those quarians. Liara held up like a champ. Or was she just too polite to bitch and whine like the rest of the Normandy crew?

Have you ever played _Resident Evil 94_, boys and girls? ExoGeni was all that and more. Geth? No problem? Angry aliens? Been there, done that. But here were good old-fashioned zombies that sat as still as potted plants until you got close. Then they either stalked you slowly with outstretched arms in classic zombie thriller fashion or they raced at you like their tails were on fire and you were the water bucket. These husks even spewed green stuff at you and exploded in a toxic looking mess when you shot 'em. How the hell did these things escape from the 21st century and get into my world? So friggin' glad I skipped out on seconds at breakfast this morning. But wait, there's more: all this mess was over a goddamn plant the size of Godzilla, whose friendly name was Species 37. Venus Flytrap ain't got nothing on you, Species 37. So how dangerous could a two-ton ficus bush be? It burped out a green asari every two minutes. A very angry asari clone with very real biotics.

They took out more husks, the occasional geth and the ever-repeating green asari who said nasty things about "meat", aka her team and Saren. Shepard realized the fact she'd been a vegetarian was suddenly so politically incorrect. Awe, fuck it. "Let's take this Thorian down once and for all, team!" she shouted. Then the green clone caught her in a singularity and slammed her into an exposed girder. Her armor tore open, as did her shoulder. Liara screamed like a crazed Walmart shopper on Black Friday and took out the green lady. "Oh yeah Moon, hit them with your biotic bubbly!" Shepard cried in delight. _Definitely shows potential, that Moon. Good girl._

Shepard barely had time to get up when more geth ambushed them. They converged on Tali, who was taking fire.

"My suit!" Tali shouted as she continued her fire. Shepard jumped in front of Tali, turning herself into a human shield as she growled and mowed down geth. Shepard has already lost Jenkins this month, and that was enough. She took a hit in her thigh, but was flying high on adrenaline and was blessedly unaware. Until Liara said "Shepard, you're hit! And your shoulder, we should get you back to the Normandy." Tali laughed and shook her head: "that would not be the Shepard I know," she said to Liara.

Shepard dislodged the neural nodes that secured the overgrown, egotistical fern. _Better than fucking weed killer! That's the end of that pissy plant._

"Let's move 'em out, cowgirls."

"Cowgirls?" Liara looked quizzically at Tali, since Shepard was already jog-limping away.

"A very large and slow-witted Earth ruminant, a bovine species." Tali mused.

"Oh," Liara said, sounding less than thrilled.

"Humans drink their milk and then eat their flesh."

"Oh… my," Liara said. _And humans find krogan behavior offensive?_ "How bizarre, they drink this milk when they are babies?"

"No, it's lifelong for many of them. Shepard's beloved chocolate milkshakes contain cow's milk."

Liara's fantasies of kissing Shepard lost their edge for a moment_. A mouth that tastes like Earth mammal milk? Ugh._

"Love to talk more, Liara, but we better get moving."

"Yes, yes," Liara agreed as she rubbed the back of her neck and shook her head.

The two caught up with Shepard as she finished chatting with the colonists and activated a crane that revealed a hidden room in the floor. That led to a lone asari. Shepard flew down the stairs to talk to her. The Thorian had taken over her mind and held her captive in order to use her as its clone model. The asari's mind was clear now that the Thorian was dead. She thanked Shepard for setting her free, and told what she knew of Saren's visit. Creaky jaws wanted the Thorian's mind control mojo. _Such a cliche bad guy_, Shepard thought to herself. And there was a Cipher here that held a key to the beacon's message, now internalized in Shiala's mind. Saren had gotten it but Shiala was willing to share the Cipher with Shepard using a mind meld. Shep agreed and Shiala tried to relax her first with some New Age mumbo jumbo that actually did trance her out. Then wham! More red images of destruction with a new twist: the whole vision pulled out for a long view of the planet under siege. _What planet? Who knows._ Shepard's leg and shoulder hurt like fresh varren bites and now her head was a fog. _Awesome, Shep._

The three space cowgirls said _hasta la vista_ to Shiala and headed back up to the beleaguered colonists at Zhu's Hope. They now had water, no geth problem and mind control was a bruise fading fast in ExoGeni corporation's black eye. As the team wrapped up with Fai Dan, Shepard wavered. _The walls are walking, I think I'm gonna pass ou…_ Boom, Shepard hit the floor.

She was waking from sedation, laid out in the Normandy med bay. Liara was stroking her hair and cheek. _Oh gods that felt so good._ Liara realized Shepard was waking and excitedly blurted out "Shepard, how are you feeling? Oh goddess it's good to see your eyes again!" Liara kept running her fingers through Shepard's hair, brushing a finger against her ear (_oh yum! Oh no!_). She put what could only be her ear close to Shepard's lips so she might hear anything that came from the Commander's mouth. Shepard wanted to dart her tongue out and search for that hidden ear. Instead Shepard managed to say "Shizzle, blarg."

"What?"

"Meagle, oh blurg," Shepard sighed. _Holy guacamole was she really tongue-tied with desire, or were the sedatives turning her into a bozo?_

"I'd better get Dr. Chackwas, Shepard. Stay right there," Liara said, looking very concerned. _"Stay right there?"_ Shepard marveled. Shepard wondered just where she'd go and how she'd do it. Actually, leaving would be a good thing right now. Before she uttered more cow-speak.

Chakwas came in and examined Shepard. "Don't worry dear, once again she'll be fine despite herself. An overnight of bed rest here in the med bay and a few days of taking it easy and she'll be good as new, for better or worse." Liara let out a sigh of relief. Chakwas continued with a sparkle in her eye, "You may stay here and keep an eye on her since your bunk is conveniently here in the med bay, Liara. Make sure she doesn't get up and do any push-ups, will you?"

"Oh yes, of course doctor," Liara said solemnly.

"And you, Shepard: don't give Liara any trouble or I will use those shiny new Kevlar restraints without prejudice. You are not to leave this bed unless you need to relieve yourself."

"Yes, doctor Chucknuts." _Hey my voice is back, I can speak human again!_

_Hmm. Well let's give it a stress test and say something to Moon_. "Liara, I promise I'll be good if you bring me a milkshake from the mess hall. Oddly, Liara blanched, but agreed and was off to fetch the bovine delight.

Tali entered the room.

"Shepard, thank you for saving my life back there, I am indebted."

"Not another word Super-Suit, it's my job"

"Your reputation as a fighter is not exaggerated. I have never seen one person take down so many geth."

"Yes, and you saved those colonists and in fact allowed that colony to remain viable," Liara continued. _When did she sneak back in?_

OK ladies, if you're going to embarrass me, you'll both have to leave. In fact, I need to use the bathroom, so how about a little privacy?

"Oh no, Shepard. Doctor Chakwas told me I was to help you if you needed to walk anywhere."

"Fuck, Moon! If I can take down the geth, get my aching head blasted with more beacon shit and live to tell about it, I can go potty all by myself."

"No. Not going to happen Shepard," Liara answered firmly. At that point, Tali excused herself with a giggle. _Oh great, now that gossip-loving quarian will share this with the entire crew._

Shepard allowed Liara to help her to the bathroom; but made sure the door shut securely between the two women before she relieved herself.

Liara helped her charge get back into bed and sat down in the chair beside it. Shepard rubbed her temple and suddenly looked less animated.

"What is wrong, Shepard?"

"It's another of those damned headaches. Ever since the beacon, they and the nightmares have put a real damper on my party face. But seriously, it hurts like all hell."

"Shepard, I might be able to help you make some sense of the beacon's images, given my many years studying the Protheans. I am extremely well versed in their culture and civilization. And we might ease your headaches and reduce the nightmares. If you are willing to try, we can use an asari mind meld. It is similar to what you did with Shiala, but this time you won't have to take any more information in; I will be observing the images and feelings from your mind."

"I don't think anyone needs to see the images that run through my head." _(naked asaris, murderous families… need I say more)_.

"You will have control over the information you share with me, and I will only see that which you allow. And it is perfectly safe."

_Why is my noggin' suddenly Grand Central Station for asaris?!_ "OK, fine. Maybe it will help us figure out what the hell is really going on. Maybe it will bring us closer to Saren's sorry ass if we can figure out what he's after. Let's do this Dr. T'Soni."

"Embrace Eternity," Liara said softly as her eyes turned black. Shepard closed her eyes and concentrated on the ugly jumble of images from the beacon, the sound of ordinance and the screams. The red sky and the terror. After a minute the slide show had ended and Liara broke the meld. "Oh goddess, Shepard those images are so intense… it was hard to keep looking. You must be a very strong person to have handled that. Most would have broken."

"I'm sorry, Liara. I shouldn't have shared that with you. It isn't pretty. Even for a soldier, it's harsh."

"No, I'm glad you did. But there are pieces missing, even with the Cipher. I saw a city under siege and a great deal of despair and suffering. We will figure it out, Shepard. I will continue my research and we will find the answers. How are you feeling now?"

"Better, actually. The headache is gone. Thanks so much Moon… but I'm still sorry."

Liara shook her head. "I did a little reading about you, famous Commander Shepard. You were raised by Catholic nuns, yes? The extranet said that they are very good at teaching people to feel guilty and to say 'I am sorry'. Is that why you do it so often?"

Shepard blushed profusely and rushed to change the subject.

"So T'Soni, you've learned all about me, but I still don't know all that much about you. Tell me your hopes, your dreams, what greases your taco shell."

"My taco shell? It needs grease?"

_I really shouldn't have gone there, stupid dimwitted-as-a-pyjak Shepard._ "Sorry, it's a little umm... it pertains to what you were talking about when we last chatted (_like we need more of that, Shepard_). A joke sort of, never mind."

"Oh, I see! I understand now. I am still just a Maiden, and I don't have a set recipe for my tacos yet. But I do like intelligent and strong persons. And so far I have a preference for those with what you humans think of as a female form. Someone not unlike you, actually." The asari smiled slyly and ran her hand along Shepard's hair. Shepard didn't move, in fact she seemed to have stopped breathing. The asari let her hand follow gravity and she caressed Shepard's cheek, stopping when she reached the region that met the corner of the Commander's mouth. Shepard reflexively opened her mouth and her eyelids danced up and down. Liara leaned forward…

Wrex came barging in. "Shepard, I heard you fought a valiant battle today. I wanted to slap you on the back but Chakwas says that's not allowed. So let me express my pride. I am honored to serve with you. Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt something here?"

Shepard managed to breathe and start her heart again. She raised her still drooping lower lip and cleared her throat. "No, nothing at all Wrex. And thanks big buddy, that means a lot coming from you. But hey, party's over. I'm beat and it's time to hit the sack. "

She looked at Liara, but avoided direct eye contact. "Thanks so much for your help, Moon. I think I can sleep now. And I promise to stay in bed (_alone, sigh_). " Liara tried to hide her disappointment as she left with Wrex.

_Dingle brains! Weiner-head! You really need to get a grip on this. I know, a visit to Chora's Den! I just need to take a slide or three down the blue Grand Canyon. My favorite asari lap dancer, Calia will work out my kinks. Man, I thought hormones were supposed to lighten up with age. That's all it is… just hormones (maybe, could be, uh-huh in your dreams)._

The next day Shepard was up and about, and she set a course for the Citadel. If she needed a few days rest, the crew might as well enjoy some shore leave. And Shepard had promised one of the colonists on Zhu's Hope to help her grandpa on the Citadel find his lost socks or something. _Yeah, that's the ticket. And a nice overnight at Chora's Den._

* * *

**A/N:** Stay tuned, the next chapter gets smutty and fluffy- poor (er, lucky) Kate Shepard!


	7. Chapter 7 Thats Kate to You

**Chapter Seven – That's Kate to You**

Liara paced back and forth, not looking Shepard in the eye. She always looked Shepard in the eye. This couldn't be good.

"Moon, what's wrong?"

"Wrong, nothing is wrong Shepard!" Liara barked sharply.

"When someone shouts 'nothing is wrong' at me, I tend not believe 'em, Moon."

"I simply do not understand, Commander, that's what is wrong! I am not a stupid person and I do not like to be made to feel stupid."

"Don't understand what, Liara?" Shepard was one part clueless and two parts scared just about now.

"What I do not understand is if you wish to entertain yourself with an asari woman, why must you divert the Normandy to the Citadel and its bars when you have one right here onboard!"

"I- - " _Oh shit_, Shepard thought. _How could I not think this would get back to her? Oh fucking huge varren doo-doo. See, God should have struck me dead. I am the worst person in the galaxy_. Shepard hung her head and said, "Liara, I did go to Chora's Den, but nothing happened. I- I- - er, couldn't get it up, so to speak."

"Could not get *what* up, Shepard!?"

"I went there for sex but once I was there I couldn't do anything. I had no desire. OK? Get it?" Shepard snapped and took a step toward Liara. "Because of you, goddamn it!"

Liara eyed Shepard like an interesting but potentially poisonous insect. Her eyes narrowed further. Shepard's eyes were on fire now and her biotics started flaring. She glared back at the asari and took another step toward her.

"Look, you don't think I want this? You just don't get it do you! How fucking so hard this is. How impossible. How much I want you." Shepard grabbed Liara, placing her left arm around the asari's waist and her right hand behind the woman's shoulder. She held Liara's body tightly against her and slid her right hand behind the asari's crest, pulling her face down. Shepard kissed her deeply, madly. Her tongue barged into Liara's mouth and the asari let out a gasp of air into Shepard's mouth. Then Liara's tongue encircled Shepard's and probed deeper into the Commander's mouth until her full blue lips flattened against Shepard's. Regions of her body that never existed before suddenly wanted to crawl out of her own skin and into Shepard's.

Shepard broke the kiss for air and looked into Liara's eyes with anger and desire. _Oh, I could kill something, anything right now. Or I could do something much worse. Now that I've started this, what if I can't stop? Definitely worse. _Spectre Shepard was always in command. Under siege, through torture, at her eight year old brother's funeral.

Liara's mouth was on hers again, breaking into her mouth like a vandal. Shepard kissed her back… couldn't stop. Liara pushed her a step back so the bed pressed against the back of Shepard's knees. They went down and Shepard's hand wandered to Liara's full breast that was rising and falling as if the asari had just run 5 meters. Liara moaned, a small high thing like a short melody. Then she bit Shepard's neck. Hard. The area south of Shepard's navel that was dead to the world at Chora's Den was suddenly burning.

It had to stop now. Shepard rolled off the bed and pulled down her shirt, which the shockingly horny asari had liberated from her pants' waistband. She looked sadly at Liara. She looked angrily at the cabin's ceiling, as if it had done irreparable harm to the galaxy. As if Saren had possessed her and made her do it. She seemed to be fighting back tears, but Shepard hadn't cried since she was twelve.

"I don't do this. I don't do feelings. I don't do love _(oh shit, did I use the L-word?)._ I am Commander Kate Shepard of the Alliance and a Spectre. I save the world. I tirelessly do the shit no one else wants to do or can do. I was born to do this, just as my mother and father were _(uh-oh, trouble there)._ There is so much wrong with this, I just can't begin to say."

"Kate?" Liara asked, raising one non-eyebrow in curious delight.

Shepard glared at the ceiling again. Her eyes were distinctly moist, despite her bravado. She looked into Liara's eyes and let out a sound deplorably like a whimper upon hearing her given name.

"Kate," Liara smiled, liking the feel of the human's given name on her lips. "I love you."

Shepard turned and left her own damned cabin, wondering where the fuck she was supposed to go now.

She had to get this out of her system; she had to punch something NOW. Shepard headed to the cargo bay where the crew had a makeshift workout room set up. She stomped up to the goddamn fucking sneering punching bag and started swinging barehanded. Not a good idea, but her biotics might protect her knuckles. Nothing could hurt worse than her head. Sore hands would match her heart. She punched and punched until she grabbed the bag in a hold and started crying softly. She slid down the punching bag, still not letting go.

Kaidan walked in.

"Shepard, what's wrong. It's what the beacon did to you, isn't it? I shouldn't have let you push me away from it."

_No, it's what the damn blue lady did to me. You are clueless, aren't you? It's what I'm doing to myself. Stupid Shepard._ She quickly got up off the floor and wiped her face across the sleeves of her sweatshirt_. I am not letting closet Elvis see me like this. I'm still the goddamn CO here. _

"Kaidan, you are my worst stalker nightmare, what are you doing here at this hour?"

"You passed by my workstation like your shirt was on fire and you were shouting things at yourself. You may be a crazy lady, but that looked a little insane. I was worried."

He gave her the sweetest most uncomplicated and caring look. _Oh fine, go ahead and do to that to me, why don't you? Get a crazy lady when she's down_. He stepped forward and held her shoulder in one strong, reassuring hand. She gave up hiding the tears and fell against him, sobbing. Kaidan was more than a little shocked: he'd never seen her cry or even give in to anyone else. "Maybe she does like me," he though. He held her as she cried, tucking her head under his chin and stroking her head soothingly.

Cough, cough. "I see you've decided on new pipes," Liara said. Her eyes flared and she once again looked like she could put a biotic hole through the hull. "I cannot keep up with you, Shepard; first asari whores and now Kaidan in one night."

Kaidan looked like a dumbfounded Labrador pup. _Why was Liara so angry? Asari whores?_ Things were clearly no longer looking up for him.

"I was worried about you after you left me behind in your cabin _(hear that, Kaidan, I was in her cabin!)._ You were in such a state and I wanted to find you to ensure you were well. I see that you are very well indeed. I will leave you two alone."

Liara marched away like an asari commando heading off to combat.

"Oh, Holy fucking St. Screwup, let go of me Kaidan," Shepard barked (_firmly, always too firmly_). "Liara, wait!"

Kaidan watched Shep run through the cargo bay after Dr. T'Soni. He bonked his head against his open palm twice and shook his head, as if adjusting an old fashioned TV that failed to clearly tune in channel woman.

Shepard caught up to the doctor and grabbed her upper arm. She felt a tingling and realized Liara's biotics were flaring. _Careful, Shep: hell hath no fury like an asari twice scorned in one night. How do I get myself in such deep doo-doo? I am the dumbest lesbo ever. But I will not hurt Liara again. Time to put a hold on my personal pity party and think of her. I love her. Oh my fucking gods, I love her._

Though her hand was now burning a little, she didn't let go of Liara's arm. She yanked it to turn the asari toward her.

"Moon, my lovely Moon. I was crying _(I do not cry, fuck me)_ and Kaidan was just trying to comfort me. Freaking stalker; he never misses an opportunity, but he means well."

Liara eyed her like a bug again. This time a pesky mosquito she might slap at any moment.

"Moon, listen to me," Shepard said as she caressed Liara's burning cheek. "I do not get hot and bothered by asari lap dancers _(er, anymore)_ and Kaidan's plumbing is still all wrong. I do not lose my cool and I most certainly don't cry. Not until I met you. *You*. Gods help me; from the first moment I saw you doing slow cartwheels in that blue bubble on Therum I couldn't stop thinking about you. Every time you looked me in the eye, my liver and lungs swapped places. On Earth we say only once in a blue moon do you get to see something so lovely, get it Moon? I've been in love with you since that day. I love you, Dr. Liara T'Soni."

Shepard let go of Liara and took a step back. The walls of the Normandy might start cracking at any moment. Zeus might send a lighting bolt down and zap her sorry little romantic ass. Liara might laugh at her and walk away. She waited. She waited some more.

Liara said nothing. Shepard's color drained slowly as if someone was drinking it out of her with a straw. Still, she maintained eye contact with the asari. She wanted to be slammed into the ground repeatedly by a Thresher Maw. That would be easier. That would hurt less. Finally, Liara spoke.

"Let us return to your cabin and discuss this in private, Commander." Liara kept a straight face, but her eyes danced just a little. Shepard felt the Thresher Maw get off her chest. She took Liara's hand and they walked back to her cabin together.

The cabin door swooshed shut behind them. Shepard turned to face Liara, looking both scared and cocky. _What a curiously sexual species humans are_, the asari thought to herself. _What a particularly strange human this is, so full of power and contradiction._ She looked at Shepard like some glorious but slightly chipped god.

Shepard put her hands softly on the asari's cheeks and ran her thumbs across the soft freckled skin. Liara didn't look like she was going to bite (in a bad way) so Shepard guided the asari's face down for a gentle, lingering kiss.

Shepard looked into Liara's cerulean eyes and said, "An Earth poet called e. e. cummings said:

'and kisses are a better fate  
than wisdom  
lady i swear by all flowers.'

I swear by the cornflowers, the irises and blue hyacinths: there are things beyond all wisdom, beyond joy, and that's you my blue lady. Stay the night with me?"

Liara nodded, smiling almost shyly.

"I mean sleep, but maybe not make cutie with the bootie. I have another one of those blazing headaches, not to use a cliche earth woman's excuse."

"Let's get comfortable under the covers and if you let me, I may be able to help you with your headache, poetess Shepard. May I borrow something to sleep in? My lab coat is not comfortable bed attire and if I sleep naked, your headache may worsen," Liara said mischievously.

Shepard gave the asari one of her oversized tee shirts to sleep in, and sat down to remove her sneakers and heavy sweats. Though Liari turned modestly away as she stripped naked and slipped on the tee shirt, Shepard started breathing heavily. _Sharp Shep: sounding like an obscene phone caller for the win_. Liara turned to face Shepard who now wore just her boxers and a tank top. Though Shepard's tee shirt had room to spare on its owner, it pulled tightly across Liara's ample rack. _And the balcony is overflowing, opera fans…_ Speaking of which, the shirt was just barely long enough to cover one very blue set of ass cheeks.

They got into bed and the asari suggested another meld to help clear the jangling horror of the beacon's repeating message that intensified the headaches. Shep agreed; if it worked they might make some excellent monkey business later that night. Or at least she might be able to sleep a few hours without waking in a cold sweat. Suddenly Shepard felt tired, so very tired. She actually noticed how her bum knee ached, how her knuckles burned from the punching bag. She laid back on the pillow while the asari sat next to her, eyes turning black as she said, "embrace eternity".

As Liara walked to the bed, she couldn't help but admire Shepard's bare arms. The sinewy and well-defined muscles, the board flat abdominals… the peachy pink of her neck's skin covered with those deliciously soft tiny hairs. She bit her lower lip and sat down beside her crazy almost lover, the Commander of this ship. Her straightforward life had become so full of the unexpected. She thought she preferred caves and dusting artifacts in quiet, softly lit rooms. She'd been wrong.

Liara prepared for the meld and said, "embrace eternity." The asari saw the same city under siege and its red sky burning. Beings with a body type not unlike asaris and humans we running from the chaos, some were on fire. It was still hard to not look away. Then Shepard sighed, sounding more like a little girl than the deep-voiced Spectre she knew. Liara saw a girl sitting in a closet. She was crying quietly and holding a gun. The girl couldn't have been more than eleven or twelve, and she had Shepard's piercing green eyes and ragged red hair. A gun fired outside the closet, not inside. A man screamed. The girl cried "daddy!" almost silently to herself and wept. Then Liara saw a schoolroom at a university or academy of some sort. The young woman next to Shepard turned to her and smiled in a way that lovers will. Then there was nothing. Either Shepard had closed off her mind or for once her mind was standing still. Liara ended the meld.

"Thanks, Moon, I feel better now. The pain is gone. You are my angel, literally sent from the heavens."

"I'm so glad." Liara lingered on the last word, wondering whether to say anything about what she saw. Had Shepard intentionally let her in, or was she simply too tired to wall off those other memories? Liara knew that Shepard trusted little and she felt she'd betray that trust if she didn't reveal what she'd seen.

"Kate? I saw the beacon images and the inhabitants were a bit clearer; they looked much like your or I. But I saw something else: a little girl (_oh goddess was that really you, Shepard?_) hiding in a closet. There were gunshots and she was crying. I do not know if you intended me to see that."

"Holy krogan buns on a stick, no I didn't intend for you to see that. You didn't need to see that Blue Moon, nobody deserves to see that shit." Shepard looked down, ashamed. Shepard seemed to feel guilty, though Liara couldn't imagine why.

"All the emotions today, the last weeks. And I'm so tired. Guess things leaked out. And I feel too damned comfortable with you. Not that I mean that's a bad thing, but it led to a bad thing. I'm sorry Liara."

"For what, love? I am having difficulty understanding. I saw nothing you should apologize for. Nothing at all."

Shepard let it rest. Liara might just forget about it if they dropped it. And it probably was just a jumble to her. She tried to think of distractions, happy distractions. She cracked a cocky grin and say "come here" as she pulled the asari down on top of her.

"Now that my headache's gone, I'd like to pick up that taco conversation we had a while back. "

Liara turned a deep shade of mauve and shook her head. "You are a crazy human, do you know that Commander Shepard?"

"Crazy for you, blue babe. And only for you." She brushed her lips against the asari's, and then circled her face with light kisses, letting her breath out in small gusts against the rim of the asari's crest-line. Liara shuddered and stopped wondering how the Commander could switch emotions so quickly. At the moment, she no longer cared. She plowed her fingers through the Commander's shaggy red hair and grazed her fingers against her scalp, noting how that made Shepard moan and what human hair felt like. The Commander's lips wandered into the folds of Liara' crest, and her tongue mischievously followed each line with care. Clearly, she knew how to turn an asari into Jell-O, and Liara suddenly saw that as an advantage rather than a pain point. She felt new and wonderful sensations between her legs; muscles she was previously unaware of flexed strongly. It was delicious. Liara half collapsed and half pounced on top of Shepard. _Goddess, I can't take much more of this!_

She was straddling Shepard's smooth, bare thigh and she realized she'd left a slick path as she leaned forward. _Mmm, that felt so good too._ She moved back and forth while kissing Shepard, sending her tongue on exploratory missions while her southerly regions continued to drive her mad. "More!" she said aloud without meaning to, and Shepard growled in response. Shepard raised her thigh into the asari as she positioned her own wet heat against Liara's hip. Shepard was sliding back and forth too, panting wildly between kisses. _Shepard had hair down there!_ The two were primed like Mark 14 grenades with a 10 second fuse. It didn't take long before they came together.

Liara rolled off Shepard, but her side and arm were still snuggly on top of the Commander. She purred and tried to raise her eyelids beyond half-mast. Shepard ran her finger down the asari's chest, tracing a line between her breasts.

"Was it OK for you, Liara? It was so fast."

Liara laughed out loud, "OK? It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt. You are wonderful, love!"

"Really? But your eyes never turned black and we didn't meld. I know that's important to asari. I wasn't sure if you could come without it."

Liara pursed her lips and her cheeks turned violet. "Shepard, I sensed that you weren't ready for another mind meld just yet, let alone a union. And I… it was my first time. I wanted the physical sensations to linger in my mind. Our union will follow when we are both ready. I wasn't yet ready myself."

Shepard had enough common sense to keep her thoughts to herself_. Wow, a 106 year old virgin! How the asari hadn't gone mad 50 years ago was beyond her. No wonder she came so quickly. But wait, I'm her first? Oh gods in heaven! This beautiful, smart woman could have had anyone. And I was the first person to float her boat? Me, crazy, callous Shepard?! Granted she'd spent decades in caves… but holy monkey shit! _

Shepard caressed Liara's face and gave her a soft, lingering kiss. "I am honored, Dr. T'Soni. And I can't wait to join our minds, when you're ready."

Liara smiled with relief, and they curled up together under the sheets to sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** They'll be back: this isn't the last we've seen of asari lap dancers and consorts!


	8. Chapter 8 Jealousy in Blue

**Chapter 8 – Jealousy in Blue**

Shep and Liara woke at 06:10. There was no alarm, no emergency, just the feeling of someone warm next door. A woman's skin brushing like a soft whisper. A breath exhaled in an ear by a quiet sleeper. A new feeling for Liara. An ancient and now startlingly unfamiliar feeling for Shepard who never spent the night with her hired lovers.

"Hey you, good morning," Shepard said as she eyeballed the clock then looked into Liara's hypnotic eyes. Liara stretched like a cat and said "hello" in a half sleepy-half hushed voice that sounded like a silk scarf running across a cashmere coat.

"Sleep well?"

"Yes, I did Shepard. And you?"

"Like a baby and with only garden variety nightmares," Shepard said with a smile.

Liara furrowed her brow, "You still had nightmares?"

Sweet, innocent blue girl, thinking that the beacon was Shepard's only nightmare. _OK, take a deep breath and think what to say_. "A Specte's life, ya' know, not everything that happens is a garden party with a parade chaser." That seemed to work and Liara relaxed her Happy Shepard campaign. The asari caressed Shepard's cheek and kissed her lightly. Shepard's nether regions awakened quickly.

"Ooo, now that was just as nice as I remembered—thought I might have been dreaming," Shepard said with a smirk. Liara boxed Shepard's ear.

Joker's voice jangled loudly through the comm: "Commander Shepard, you awake yet? Captain Anderson came through with a message at 04:30. The Consort or one of her acolytes may have some info on Benezia and Saren's recent activities. Since we're still docked at the Citadel, he'd like you to check it out pronto. "

"Roger, that," Shepard responded. The Consort had asked her for a favor: she needed help with a certain slandering turian general Septimus, and that should get Shep's foot in the door that Anderson had asked her to open.

"Oh and Commander? I have a vid you might want to check out, it's called 'Vaenia'." Both ladies blushed and Liara gasped. "Oh, sorry are you not alone?"

Of course he knew she wasn't alone: the confining walls of a ship have ears and Tali's unseen mouth is bigger than the Artemis Tau system. Fine. Just fine.

"Joker, if you don't sign off now, I'll have the hard drive arrays replaced stat. Am I clear?"

"Yes m'am," Joker chuckled.

Shepard decided to take Liara (asari relations 101) and Ashley (time to let her play with some at least anthropomorphic aliens) to the Citadel and the Consort's chambers. Normally, you'd have to wait six months to see the Consort (and then only if you were the right kind of customer), but Sha'ira needed an important favor. A grumpy turian general had a fit of jealousy and smeared the Consort's good name in revenge.

After arriving at the Presidium, Shepard played peacemaker and ego-salvager with Septimus and an equally touchy elcor. _Guess sexy asari maidens aren't the only ones who have jealous fits. Guess there is some peace-making in this here peacemaker job of mine after all…_ The team headed to the Consort's Chambers.

"Shepard, thank you for taking care of my angry little general," the Consort said graciously. "I am most indebted. And I see you've brought Benezia's child; her mother was once a great friend."

"That's something I'd like to hear more about, if you'd be so kind."

"Hmmm… of course, my ruddy human. May my acolytes attend to your party?"

"I'm sure they'd enjoy the stimulating companionship."

The Consort snapped her fingers and two asari acolytes filtered out like blue fog from behind a curtain. One joined Ashley, and the other Liara. To say that the acolytes were high class whores would make you about as smart as a backwoods redneck hooting at a Kabuki play. These asari came from good backgrounds, and they provided companionship for some of the most powerful men and women in the galaxy. Conversations about the arts and politics were as much if not more a part of their job as yanking on ye old yardstick. And that meant they knew everything that was worth knowing on the Citadel.

Liara was chatting with her partner and then they laughed together. Liara threw her head back, laughing joyously, and then she brought her mouth to the acolyte's ear and whispered. _Motherfucker_! Then they both laughed again. _Fucking roasted monkey nuts on a stick!_ Liara and the acolyte held hands, and continued their oh so fucking joyously warm talk. _Who can I off?! Oh, St. __Ignatius__, give me strength! Who was I kidding? Moon was just horny as hell and I rang her bell. Now she's ready for the carillon. Bring on the bell choirs! _

Shepard had to look away. She checked on Ashley, who was also having a surprisingly good time. Not as friggin' "it's my birthday and you're the present" sort of a good time, but they two women were indulging in an animated and pleasant discussion. Go figure.

Shepard sighed and focused her mind on the Consort in front of her. Sha'ira the Consort had been great friends with Benezia in times gone bye, but she knew nearly nada now. Great, _I've lost my girlfriend for this_? Shepard glanced over at Liara and her new best friend the acolyte, hoping they'd kept their shirts on. They had, but they looked warmer than roasted chestnuts in Times Square at Christmas. _Fine, there's a grenade in your shorts, Shepard. Enjoy. _Sha'ira had diddly. Yes, she'd heard that Benezia was hanging with Saren, which made less than no sense to her, but that was all she'd heard.

Meanwhile, Ashley's acolyte was now sitting in her lap. _Nightmares? I'll show you nightmares! How awesome it was to be Shepard: the only one who was working hard to save the galaxy instead of getting her rocks off._

Shepard caught Ashley's eye and gave her the double-blink, their code to communicate with each other and find out if they were done gathering intel. Ashley signaled back that she was ready to go. The Commander then tried to catch Liara's eye, but Moon was too busy gazing at the acolyte's face to notice. _Great green gods in heaven!_ Shepard walked over to Ashley and requested that the gunnery chief visit Liara and obtain her status. Dr. T'Soni, junior sexpot, was ready to go, as it turns out. Never, never trust two asari together unless you want them to write a Kama Sutra manual.

Liara hugged the acolyte and said her goodbyes. She added, "Next time we return to the Citadel, I'll be sure to come by and see you."

_I will drive repeatedly over that acolyte with the Mako. I will flatten her plump ass. Oh fuck a duck, who am I kidding? Liara will just find someone else. Now that I've busted her cherry, she's going to make fruit juice with anyone in the galaxy she likes. OK, stop, do not kill innocent acolytes and do not waste your brain cells on this, you love-doped Spectre. You are Commander Shepard and you have a job to do._

They headed back to the ship, sharing what they'd learned, which was nada, zip, zilch (at least about Saren and Benezia). There were however other interesting developments. Ashley was surprised to discover that she found her blue consort-in-training wonderful to talk with and "kinda sexy". Clearly Ashley was both pleased and dumbfounded: suddenly she likes aliens *and* has the hots for a woman? "Er, they are women, right Commander? Oh sorry Liara, didn't mean to offend you." Shepard smiled serenely: _Grasshopper, you learn most quickly_.

Liara headed for her quarters in the med bay and changed into more comfortable Alliance-issued casual clothing. She propped her feet up on the desk as she sat back. _Imagine, running into Maelia! I haven't seen her since high school. It was so good to catch up and remember older, simpler times. And how deliciously jealous it made Shepard! I'd intended to look more than comfortable with my acolyte, but that took no effort at all with my old friend Maelia helping._

"Holy monkey tits, Liara! What were you doing with that asari?" Shepard had burst through the door. And for once, Liara didn't have to wonder what the Commander was _really_ thinking.

"Shepard, you asked me to get comfortable with the acolyte in order to gain knowledge. I was simply doing as you asked."

"I didn't ask you to whisper in her ear and laugh like a friggin' schoolgirl, Moon!"

"How else was I supposed to get close to the asari? Would you have preferred that we played a game of chess?"

"Hugs or chess? You do know there are options in between. I should never have taken you on that mission. Monkey Nuts! Smelly gym socks on a stick!"

Liara giggled even though the Commander looked like she might blast a second door through the wall to the med bay at any moment.

"What's so frickin' funny, T'Soni? If I was just priming your pump last night, set me straight and I'll march my angry ass out of here!"

Liara burst out laughing. This was more than she'd expected: the brave Commander acting like an angst-ridden teenage boy. "Oh Commander, come here," Liara said fondly. Shepard didn't budge. "Please, come here." Shepard slowly, grudgingly marched up to the asari.

"What did I tell you last night, Shepard?"

"That I was a crazy human?" Shepard knew Liara was trying to rub it in or confuse her further. Either way, it couldn't be good. She furrowed her brow and gave Liara a precious look that was both sad puppy dog and angry pit bull.

"No, Kate. I said that I loved you. Do you think something like that could change overnight?"

"Well… I… Oh fuck Liara, I don't have much experience with this sort of shit! Or rather I don't have much *good* experience. Ask me how to drive a Mako up a cliff wall, ask me how to off a geth army: that's gravy. But don't ask me about this (_why is Liara giggling like a drunk pyjak?)_ Wait a minute; you were revenging my ass, weren't you? For the infamous lap dancer episode? You blue vixen you! You wench! You really had me going!" Shepard picked up one of the pillows on the asari's makeshift bed and gave her a good thrashing. Liara grabbed the other pillow and swung in laughing defense. Just as the pillows were ready to give up their synthetic stuffing, the two settled down and looked at each, smiling.

"Here, my poor Shepard. I have something that will make you feel better. " With a slinky dance-like stretch of her arms above her head Liara languidly brushed her cheek against the soft spot of her inner arm and removed her N7 tee shirt (lamentably properly sized). Her eyes never left Shepard's, even when her lids half-closed, making Shepard shiver. A glorious blue velvet mid section greeted Shepard. Then Liara slowly spiraled her hips and unsnapped her bra. Shepard's mouth fell wide open. Fighter ships could've flown in and out two abreast.

"We haven't even gone all the way asari style yet, you know – a mind meld. So you can't dump me yet, Moon."

Liara shook her head at her poor dumb puppy, and sauntered up to the Commander. "I hope you do not use that as an excuse to delay our meld, Shepard. Because I am very hungry."

_When did I die and how the hell did I get into heaven?_ "Neil Licks isn't the only chef on board, let me see what I can get cooking."

Shepard yanked off her tee shirt as if it were on fire. Liara was less than six inches away as she ran her hands over Shepard's pink muscular shoulders, drawing her hands down the Commander's arms until she reached her hands. Shepard briefly knotted her fingers with Liara's, but let her hands go. Clearly, she was on a mission, and who was Shepard to interrupt? Liara moved her hands to Shepard's waist and pulled her tank top up and off, throwing it in the corner. "Shepard, you are gorgeous!" Liara bowed her head to Shepard's champagne glass breasts and brought one into her mouth. Our fearless leader gasped, then smiled as her head titled toward the ceiling. Liara took that as her cue to work her way up to Shepard's neck, where she nibbled and then bit hard. Shepard slathered like a collapsed ice cream cone onto the bed behind her.

"Where, oh where did you learn that, sweet blue girl?"

"I might not have made any home runs, as you say, but I did spend quite some time on second and third base before leaving on my expeditions. And I have seen that video Joker mentioned. It gets awfully lonely on digs, you know."


	9. Chapter 9 Poor Ophelia

**Chapter 9 – Poor Ophelia**

**A/N: **Starts out funny but gets dark with a dash of sweet at the end. Shep lets a few secrets out. Also the poem loses proper spacing due to FFN's system. Apologies to cummings- not quite the same without those spaces.

Shepard feels terrible, awful. She has flunked interspecies-lesbo relations. She has never failed at any task in space. She'd promised the love of her life that they'd have a meld, a union while making love. Everything seemed to go well, though Shepard was undeniably nervous. Apparently she was downright mentally squirrely. When Liara had embraced eternity and entered Shep's mind, the asari soon said to her (_in her mind, not with her mouth, how cool was that?) _that Shepard's mind was more noisy and crowded with random thoughts than the Presidium cafe at noontime. Liara wondered how Shepard even noticed she was having sex with all that noise in her head. _Oh roasted pyjak nuts on a stick, shit shit shit_. Liara might have been physically sated, but mentally she was just as frustrated as ever. And she probably thought Shepard wasn't all that into it (_wrongo! The galaxy can go defend itself, I just want to spend the rest of my life in bed with Dr. Liara T'Soni_). Shepard wondered if asari could do mental masturbation… you know- rub their crests furiously while turning their eyes black or something? Poor Liara. Stupid Shepard.

Now the asari was sound asleep beside her. Gods bless how Moon could fall asleep when frustrated, when worried and just about anything else. Shep didn't want to wake Liara with her restlessness, and she was a wee bit peckish, so Shep slipped out of bed and into her sweats. She headed for the mess hall and a chocolate milkshake; a delicacy she discovered was better consumed when the asari wasn't around (_was she allergic to chocolate or something?_).

Chef Neil Licks, like seemingly every member of her crew, apparently never slept and was more likely than not to be at his station. Somehow, she'd hired a band of fellow insomniacs. And Ashley was sitting at the counter, nursing a grilled cheese on roof tiles, or what passed for rye bread in the Alliance stockroom.

"Licks, Ashley," Shepard nodded to her two crewmembers, thinking just how wrong that sounded. Poor chef.

"Hello Commander, what can I get you?"

"Chocolate shake, heavy on the syrup, Chef." Shepard turned to Ashley and said, "What's keeping you up, Williams?" The gunnery chief was looking more googly-eyed than ever. _One step forward, two steps back_.

"Commander, just digesting today's events. Permission to speak freely?"

_Why does Williams always ask that! Doesn't she know how prickly-scratchy that makes me feel? OK, alright fine, here comes a friggin' headache:_ "Permission granted, what gives Ash?"

"I'm not comfortable with Garrus and Wrex on board, you know that."

"Yes," Shepard said in a wary tone that said 'let's not go there again, shall we'. Shepard wondered why Ashley never listed Tali in here alien hit list. Must be all those good times they had together in the cargo bay modding weapons.

"Well, today I really enjoyed talking to that asari acolyte."

"Yes, she looked mighty fine sitting in your lap, Ash." Shepard couldn't resist. Ashley blushed but continued, "Yeah, well… that's the other problem, Shepard."

"Wait, what was the first problem?" Shepard played dumb, to get her little Grasshopper to use her words.

"I don't generally like speaking with aliens. That's problem number one."

"OK," Shepard lingered like it was a question.

"And I've never had a woman. I mean I've never had a woman in my lap before."

"Now, that's a definitely a problem, Ashley. But it looks like you've already got it solved." Neil Licks covered his mouth to hide a giggle.

"Boss, I'm just not feeling right about any of it. I mean, I guess it's great and by the way tell Liara I'm sorry if I hurt her feelings about whether they were women, and I guess they're not really women are they so maybe I wasn't coming on to a woman, do you think? I mean, it's all so new and I really never spent much time with aliens and women that aren't women and… oh crap, sir."

Googly eyes were replaced by poor mad Ophelia self-sent to the nunnery and now becoming more unhinged by the moment. Before Shepard could get a word in, Ashley was off on another manic soliloquy.

"My family, we don't have the best history, but we were all loyal to the human race and the Alliance. That includes me, sir—I mean m'am. I-."

Shepard interrupted before Williams started do-si-doeing herself into a meltdown like a broken Stepford Wife.

"Gunnery Chief Williams, I'm fully aware of your record and of your father and grandfather's doings in the military. What they did seemed right to them at the time. Now that we know more about races beyond our planet, folks lose sight of how different the world was back then. You've been a first class markswoman and you are clearly loyal to the Alliance and me. Now I'd like to see your loyalty to everyone serving this ship."

"Aye-aye, ma'am."

"You've been treated poorly by the Alliance because of your family's past, and that was based largely on preconceptions. Aliens no more need to be treated badly based on preconceptions than do you. On my ship each crewmember proves themselves with their actions and accomplishments onboard, not with their pasts. Am I clear? We are not our pasts." Shepard trailed off at the last sentence and stared at her hands folded on the counter. _Well, that's true for most of us Shep, but not you. Snap out of it Shep, this is neither the time nor place._

"Are you with me on this, Williams?"

"Yes, Commander Shepard! And thank you." Ashley saluted with a warm smile. Hell, it was downright giddy. She said goodnight and left the mess hall.

"Good speech commander and stellar advice. Ever consider following it yourself?"

"Chef Licks, I no more ordered a helping of advice than I did a goddamn sirloin steak. When I need something from you, I'll ask."

Neil Licks neither looked away nor apologized. _Gotta hand it to him, he's got a quad._

"Sorry Licks… that might have been a little excessive (_why am I always so goddamned firm?_). You know what they say: those who can't do teach instead. Since when did chefs join the bartenders as volunteer shrinks anyhow? And man, I could use a drink."

"As a matter of fact, I've got a bottle of Captain Scaberous' dark rum under the counter here. I use it for some of the desserts, but nothing is too good for our Commander." He whipped out a bottle and a fresh set of glasses.

Shepard sucked down the dark liquid and loved the burn and heat as it went down. "You know Licks, things have gotten a little… um complicated recently. Has me a little tense. Saving the world would normally be enough to keep my dance card full… but now there's…. it's about a girl, ya know?" She downed the rest of the glass.

"About a girl and so much more, right?" Licks said as he refilled her glass.

"Holy St. nunchucks, you are pithy, aren't you? Yes, there's always more. Right?

"We are the sum of our pasts, so the answer must be yes."

"Fuck you! I mean fuck that. Sorry. My past is long buried, like so many dead bodies."

"Really? Admirable, Commander! Then why the long face?"

"Too many dead bodies, chef. I'm the bitch, the Butcher of Torfan, and my own family had a way of killing each other off. Except me. No one killed me (_oh why the fuck not?_)."

"Surviving is sometimes a harsh mistress. Or so I've heard. The most dangerous thing that ever happened to me was a mad hanar chef with a few cleavers who was upset when I beat him in a cooking contest. I hid under the center island until C-Sec came for him. Thank god for sturdy old-fashioned butcher block." He paused to look at her. "There, now I've got you smiling, Commander."

Shepard chuckled and finished off her second drink. Licks poured a third and took a sip of his drink.

"You know chef, when I was a kid, Buffalo Bill was my hero: he tamed the west and was everyone's hero. I wanted to tame space and do big shit. I had this poem by e.e. cummings taped to the wall above my desk. No need anymore, I memorized it long ago.

'Buffalo Bill's  
defunct  
who used to  
ride a watersmooth-silver  
stallion  
and break ontwothreefourfive clay pigeons like that  
Jesus  
He was a handsome man  
And what I want to know is  
How do you like your blueeyed boy  
Mister Death'

But somehow this green-eyed girl keeps escaping death. I guess I have more clay pigeons left to shoot first, huh?"

"Yes, Commander, I bet you do. And before you die, why not tell some of this to that girl of yours?"

"It's some nasty shit, Licks. No can do. If she didn't dump me on the spot, I'd dump myself. Nobody needs to see or hear that shit. Why don't I just show her some old Earth atrocities documentaries to warm her up? Fuck yeah."

"Don't underestimate the girl or yourself, Shepard. And it's not a relationship if only one person opens up."

"Thanks, Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Shepard finished her third glass of rum and plunked the glass firmly (_too firmly?_) on the counter. "Well Dr. Licks, thank you so much for the consult, but I'm a wee bit sloshed now and I think I should be off before I say something even more asinine. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Shepard. Sleep tight," he said it in a way that made her think of Sister Fatima.

Shepard weaved her way back to the cabin. She could drink a lot more than she had tonight and still walk home, but she had plenty of static in the attic. Thank the gods Kaidan didn't intercept her. She plopped down hard on the bed next to a sleeping Liara, who stirred and said, "Shepard?"

"My mom killed my father and brother. I was twelve and he was eight. That _was_ me you saw in the closet," she blurted out. _Damned lubrication. Damned 'we are the sum of our pasts'_. I lived in a Catholic orphanage after that—but you know that part. I played around with gangs. I'm biotic because my mother was exposed to eezo. She went crazy, I might go crazy too."

Liara was very confused but touched by the Commander's vulnerable outburst. She reached out and held Shepard's cheek, saying "Poor baby, my poor Shepard."

"Fuck that! Don't you pity me! I'm the fucking Butcher of Torfan, there's no 'poor me' in this goddamn room!"

"Shepard, what your mother did is not your fault! And from what I've read, you did the only thing you could at Torfan. I would not be with a butcher and I am not with a butcher."

"You don't know that, Liara. You weren't there. You don't really know me. You just think you do. I fake it really well: Commander Shepard always in charge and always saving someone's ass for the goody-good Alliance. That's what I do to make the past go away. That's what I do every day to make it right, to justify that I lived when others died. I wasn't put on this earth to have a good time, I'm here to fight and fix things. It's what I do. There's nothing else for me."

Liara really didn't know what to say to all that, and sympathy clearly only made things worse. So she asked, "didn't you have any other family that could take you?"

"My grandparents were doing missionary and development work on an outpost… my mother's parents. They made sure I went to a Catholic school but they were too busy to bother with me. And they probably thought I'd end up like my mother and they didn't want me because of what I did."

"I'm sure they wanted you, Shepard. And they're fools for not taking you and raising you to see what you've become. You were twelve, I do not see what you could possibly have done that was so wrong."

"That's a discussion for another time, Moon" (_like twenty years after we're both dead. You saw I had a gun in that closet_). Shepard had never told a soul, though Sister Fatima had a clue. Somehow it didn't matter to her; nuns could be funny that way.

Liara sighed. The woman was putting up distance like a biotic barrier. "Why would they think you'd become like your mother? Because of the eezo?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. No, see she started going crazy before that. She used to do things to me and my brother. She became progressively crueler to everyone, even before the eezo. She was a captain in the Alliance and so was my dad. She nearly lost command of her ship because she got so erratic. Her brain just wasn't right. Schizophrenia? Something else? Who knows. We know so much about the human brain, but not that. Maybe I've inherited it. Maybe I'd hurt you some day. And I couldn't abide that. I've done enough that was wrong and I could never bear to hurt you."

"You will never hurt me, Kate. I know that, I can sense that. You do know that I can sense what others are feeling? And if I ever have any doubts, I will take precautions. But I sense completely that you want to protect me and make me happy. Nothing more."

Shepard's shoulders slumped. The rum had worn off, and it and Licks had gotten her into this mess. _Oh great gods in heaven, let what Liara says be true. Just this one thing, just once let something good and pure be true. I will fight Saren and destroy the reapers. Just please never, never let me hurt her. Never. Never._

"Moon, I was drunk, please ignore the detritus that just spewed from my mouth. And please forgive me for the botched meld. I really wanted it and had no idea my signal to noise ratio was so high. I guess I'm just used to it. Sometimes (_always_) it's hard to have a quiet mind. But I want you more than the moon and stars. And I will never let myself hurt you (_I'll off myself first_)."

Shepard kissed Liara gently, tenderly, as if she might break her if she hadn't already done so. Liara took Shepard into her arms, wishing she could protect Shepard from her demons as Shepard had taken care of her and the galaxy. They held each other tightly, tightly.


	10. Chapter 10 I Wanna be a Space Cowboy

**Chapter 10 – I Wanna be a Space Cowboy**

"_Dear Diary,_

_How was your day? No really, I want to know because mine was a colossal fuckup. Well, the day was OK, but the night? Don't even ask. Maybe I should consider sleeping pills—they might keep me out of these kinds of trouble. Maybe Licks is putting some emotie-shit in the rations._

_No, nothing to say? Why the blank look? OK, I'll start… _

_Today Ashley took great strides forward, and I think she has so much potential, so that's gee-golly-great. No really, it *is* great. She blathered out all kinds of important shit tonight, and I think it helped. And go figure, she bats for the ladies' softball team (maybe). Trouble is, I did the same thing with Moon. I blurted out all the worst things about my life… the Reader's Digest condensed version. So condensed it hit her like lead, I'm afraid. If I'm lucky, she couldn't make head or tails of it. But am I ever lucky? Not so much, unless it's in battle. And no, I didn't tell her the secret that shan't be named—that's between you, me and God, OK? So keep it mum diary or I'll initialize your ass._

_Later this morning we'll be sloshing through that Hawaii among the great stars, Virmire. It's 05:00 now, and Liara's still sleeping so she doesn't know yet. It was that or Noveria. Saren could be at either location according to our waffly-wiffly intel. I really, really, really don't want to be the mommy killer and go to Noveria since Benezia might be there. I'm hoping we hit gold on Virmire and catch Saren's ass there. Then Liara's mom might fall off the radar since she'd no longer be in cahoots with Darth Turian Hey, a Spectre can dream, right_?"

"Mmmm… Shepard?" Liara stirred from sleep, doing that sexy-cute cat stretch that drove Shepard mad. Shep locked the OSD and tossed it in the drawer behind her chair.

"Hey, good morning sunshine."

"Shepard, do you ever sleep? And do you always wander about naked?" Liara asked with a crafty smile.

The Commander had no answer for that, so she decided to pounce on Liara. If she was lucky, the asari's reflexes would still be sluggish with sleep. She leapt from her chair and made it to the bed in one stride. Liara giggled as Shepard grabbed her in a bear hug and nuzzled her throat.

"You seem more relaxed this morning, Kate." Liara freed a trapped arm and ran her hand along Shepard's breast that hung like a tantalizing pear.

"I am indeed, my horny asari," Shepard said as she pulled back the covers, revealing one all together bare blue woman. She eyed Liara from crest to breast to blue toes and licked her lips as she slid into bed. Shepard brought her lips down on Liara's and tugged at her lower lip with her teeth. The asari growled and flitted her tongue across Shepard's lips and past them. She never took her hand from Shepard's breast and now her fingers were flicking the nipple, making the Commander wiggle her "hairy part" against the asari. _Goddess, how exotic to have hair down there, like a veil that teases. Life with Shepard was like a salarian amusement ride park, and her body's various textures were also intensely stimulating. That rough, curly hair "down there" and the soft and rich hair on her head. And those ears! And what touching those ears did to Shepard_. Liara broke the kiss to run the tip of her tongue along the Commander's ear. Then she brought her teeth gently down on the ever so slightly fuzzy lobe and exhaled softly. A whimper, a shudder and a sigh answered. _Delightful_! Liara's lower regions tingled and she fought the urge to meld.

"I want you inside me, Liara."

Liara worked her hand down to reach through that veil.

"Not just there. I want you in my mind."

"Kate, are you sure? You don't have to try again so soon."

"I want this as much as you do. I need you inside me now. Please."

Liara's fingers continued on their wet journey as her breath quickened and her eyes turned black, "embrace eternity!"

And there she was, in Shepard's chaotic mind. She sensed Shepard exploring her thoughts and grounding herself in Liara's desire and focus. She could feel Shepard's want sharpening then ringing in her own mind. Sensations mingled. _Oh goddess, I can feel my fingers as if they're in me_! "Hey there, good lookin', a little to the left if you please," Shepard said in her mind. Can you hear the sound of a cocky grin? Liara thought so. She teased the Commander by pulling her fingers out. Shepard groaned and Liara felt her emptiness more than she heard it. She danced playful circles around Shepard's clit until she quivered, then the asari returned a finger to its rightful place. The sensations were unimaginably consuming. The muscles of Liara's back ripped and she shivered as the human ran her fingers along the sensitive area of her sides, brushing her breasts on their way down. Shepard slipped her hand down past Liara's hips, down to mirror Liara's actions and the asari stopped breathing for a symphony of seconds. Shepard stopped thinking. Their world shrank to one glorious mind in a small room on a ship flying through the black void far from home.

Afterward, they lay together on the bed, looking at nothing in particular, then each other, then dropping their eyelids… almost closing. So safe, so drowsed yet with nerve endings that seemed sensitized to everything. It was 06:15. Seven hours ago, Shepard was a broken thing, and now… so dynamic. How she changed course so quickly and rose to the darkest challenges, Liara couldn't imagine. The Commander was unlike anyone she'd ever met or would likely meet again.

"So Moon, that was beyond words. I don't think any poet has come up with a stanza that could do that justice. You're amazing. Thanks for taking another chance on me."

"Shepard, though that was my first time, it was beyond anything promised in my five years of schooling on mating and unions."

"Um, glad to be more interesting than your schoolbooks, Moon," Shepard said with a wink and a crooked smile.

Liara loved how the left corner of Shepard's mouth went up with a quirky twitch. She loved how Shepard's hands felt on her body. But she had put her shoe in her mouth again (_was that how the expression went?_). "Kate, I didn't mean to sound so clinical. It was as you say, 'more than the moon and stars'. It was the best thing I have ever felt in my life."

"Since you're 106, I'll take that as a compliment Moon. And who knows, this is only the beginning, right?" Shepard sounded so happy, but then a little sad.

_Yeah, until she really gets to know me and dumps my ass. Or I get killed on some suck-ass mission trying to save the goddamn world. One step forward Shep, let's try not to take two steps back. Just smile and be happy, you ass._

"My crazy human, as hard as I might wish, I can't take back all the things that haunt you. But let us make each other happy every day from now on."

"It's a deal, Li," Shepard said as she kissed Liara's knuckles one by one. And now it's time to get this show on the road. Work never sleeps and we're hitting Virmire today. I'm hoping we can catch Saren's bony ass there and maybe skip the skirmishes on Noveria. Liara understood what that meant, and thankfully took Shepard in her arms.

**In the Mako on Virmire**

Things were off to the expected bad start. Liara's stomach was already twisting like a human's pretzel. Ashley had skipped rations but still would not let go of her space-sickness bag. Liara just couldn't understand: Shepard cared what others thought and felt more than anyone she'd met, despite her crude words and macho ways. But when driving the Mako, Liara wondered if Shepard didn't have a sadistic streak. She supposed not, since Shepard seemed oblivious to the others' agony. She was bouncing up and down in the driver's seat singing "I wanna be a space cowboy" at the top of her lungs. Whatever that might be.

As per usual, there were geth to fight along the ride so Shepard could fire the canon and rock the Mako even more. In truth, Liara thought the geth were magnets pulling Shepard through space until she found every single one. Commander Perfectionist Obsessionist. Liara was happy that she was at least now among Shepard's obsessions.

"OK, cowgirls, time to exit this here Mako and put our soles to the slosh. That's a salarian encampment we just de-gethed, so let's see if they'll give us party favors."

The team trudged through the waters of Virmire. Such a beautiful planet, though the endless waterways and creepy lightning put a damper on the romantic spirit. They met with Captain Kirrahe, a salarian with a plan and an oddball name. Captain GollyGee—was it racist to think that all salarians sounded alike? They all had the same, slightly grating geeky-thin voice. They all sounded either a little afraid or like they were about to cry. Cookie-cutter voice and odd name aside, the man had a good plan. He gave a rousing speech because it wasn't a perfect plan: clearly a good number would die even if it worked. Shepard didn't have the patent on losing troops.

Saren had a base here, and he was cloning krogans for his army. They were going to flank the geth troops and nuke the base to kingdom come. Wrex understandably was less enamored with the plan.

"Shepard, those are my people and Saren may have a cure for the genophage. Our goals are no longer compatible. Your priorities are not with my people."

"Look big guy, I hear you, but those aren't your people. They're cardboard cutout krogans with no free will and lots of firepower. Making heebie-jeebie zombie krogans isn't doing the people of Tuchanka any good. And it's downright fucking cruel of Saren, that bastard."

Wrex eventually saw her point and the rest of the team sighed with relief. That is, the team that was still with her. Ashley was bomb-sitting while Kaidan was off with Captain GollyGee. That left her with a reduced squad. Ash was the queen of all things that go boom. Alenko was the point man for strategy on the ground, so he had to be the one to help GollyGee and company man the AA post. Rough times…

Just then, Liara said "I smell something foul in the air". That asari was prone to some bizarro non-sequiturs. Shepard stated that Wrex just farted. The krogan laughed. The asari gave her that Bambi-eyed baffled look, then returned to scanning the perimeter. She loved to assess the perimeter… Shepard loved assessing Liara's perimeter. _Really Shep, thinking about sex at a time like this? Then again, why not; we could all be dead in ten minutes_.

Shep and her team made it to the base and encountered another beacon. _Boy, it's just my week for fun and games_. The beacon sizzled her head with more images and left her crawling on the floor like a half-broken Keeper. Oddly her team could care less, even Liara with her Prothean fetish. _Fine. Fine_. Shepard shook her head and looked up. And what did she see? Sovereign, in holographic form, ready for a chat about the demise of all sentients. He provided more hints about what the fuck was going on here. Maybe Liara could piece the clues together later. But they had to get to Ashley and the bomb.

They rendezvoused with Ashley and company. The Normandy was overhead; ready to pick them and the salarians up once the nuke was primed. It was dicey and the geth were out in force like trick-or-treaters in a posh suburb. Lots of them in all shapes and sizes. They'd taken down most of them when Saren joined the fete. He tried to reason with Shepard, and she tried to reason with him. He thought the future was with the geth and the reapers… a "resistance was futile" thing. "Sure, and there's really a Santa: they're play nice with you once they don't need you, Saren." That triggered the usual "then die, human!" response she'd expected and Darth Turian blasted her with heavy firepower before she had a chance to roll. _Fucking monkey nuts on a stick, that hurt! Move fast Shep!_ She rolled behind a huge pipe and took aim at Saren. This hit was true but his armor was even truer. _Sigh, this is going to drag out longer than one of Kaidan's Elvis songs, isn't it?_ She and her team continued their assault but Saren got a hit on Liara. Shepard lost her chill and turned to check on Blue Moon. Shep caught a round in her left ass cheek: _that's what you get for turning your back on the enemy Miss Lovelorn. Oh sweet Jesus!_ The blue girl had a minor flesh wound, but Shepard wasn't going to let that happen on her watch EVER again. She dodged and ran directly under Saren's flying carpet contraption and blasted his ass. Then the pantywaist coward spit. Fine, just fine.

Joker told them the time was now or never to leave town. The nuke was set. Her team could either extract Ashley (easy, she's close) or go find Kaidan at the AA post (hard, where the fuck was that even?). It had to be Williams, and Shepard didn't appreciate this Sophie's Choice business at all. Fucking goddamn asswipe Saren. Ashley protested and told Shepard to save Kaidan since he was higher ranking. Great green gods on a stick, that woman never for a moment abandoned military protocol, even when her life depended on it. Ash had a leg wound and a bad attitude, so Shepard picked her ass up and carried her fireman style. That wasn't so easy since Shepard was walking like a drunk.

"Shepard, you're wounded! Let Wrex carry Ashley," Liara said.

"No time for hand-offs, we've all got to vacate, stat. And you're wounded yourself, Liara. Are you OK?"

"Oh yes, it's a minor wound," Liara said, trying to hide her pain with her "I want to wrap you up and take you home" smile. "You know, "I feel sorry for Saren."

"Liara I love you more than the moon and stars, but sometimes you sound like Julie fucking Andrews."

As they made their way to the airlock, Liara wondered how she could possibly sound like someone named Julie having sex with Andrews (whomever he or she is, oh my!).


	11. Chapter 11 Everybody Go Boom

**Chapter 11 – Everybody go Boom**

Boom. That's what Shepard did best after a good mission. She made it through the airlock, and then collapsed. Fortunately, she'd handed Williams off to Wrex, so she didn't drop the already wounded gunnery chief. Liara however, nearly shrieked when the Commander went down. She'd get used to it… maybe. Chakwas shook her head, yet her hair stayed miraculously still. "Bring them all into the med bay, please."

Shepard awoke on a table beside Williams' table. Liara's leg wound would have to wait since it was much less serious.

"Work on Williams first, doc."

"Shepard, I am in charge of my own queue, dear. Mind your business and please faint again so I don't have to argue with you."

"I do not faint, I pass out. And that's an order Chucknuts, take care of Ashley first!"

"And as the chief medical officer I can relieve you of your command. If I don't stop the bleeding from your two very ugly wounds, the fates will soon relieve you of your command, so I elect to do so first."

"Fuck you doc," Shepard said half-heartedly. Liara let out a sigh of relief. The normally pink human was paper-white, and she worried how long Shepard could hold on. There was the wound on her buttocks, and the gaping hole Saren's missile had torn into the Commander's back. There was blood everywhere. Ashley had a serious leg wound. _Oh goddess, why do I crave excitement when it leads to such fear and pain? Damn Benezia and her "you were meant for bigger things than playing with artifacts"._

Shepard awoke the next day and thought Chakwas must've way overdone it with her tranquilizer dose because she was hallucinating. Tali was spoon-feeding a smiling Ashley in the bed next door. Say what? And when Shep looked at the chair beside her own bed, she hoped to see a beautiful asari maiden. Instead she saw one grumpy looking krogan. Shepard squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. When she opened her eyes, nothing had changed.

"Oh, Shepard, you are awake. Good."

"Wrex? Are you real? What are you doing here?"

" Of course I am real," he said loudly and she could smell a bad case of krogan breath. Yep, he was real. "Liara is taking a shower and she had me keep watch over you. She's been making each of us take turns watching you when she had to take bio-breaks."

"I see. Wait- really?"

"Shepard, she is very bossy. How do you control that woman of yours?"

"Oh, she has ways," Liara said in an alluring voice. She was standing in the doorway. She ran to Shepard and hugged her. Then she kissed every inch of Shepard's face.

Shepard stifled an "ouch": this was more than worth it. _Please gods, do not let this be a hallucination. Please gods, make buddy krogan disappear along with lovey-dovey Ash and Tali. I'm in bed… she could be in bed too; what could be better._

Tali giggled, enjoying the juicy embrace. _OK, a cold shower could be better. The intergalactic fan club looms and I'm not into voyeurism._

"Liara seems very happy to see you awake Shepard, goodness knows why," Tali quipped.

"OK, Super-Suit, go back to spoon-feeding Ashley, she's getting lonely."

Shepard whispered to Liara, "What did I miss when I was out, and how long have I been asleep? I seem to have woken up in an alternate universe. Or those two were modding more than Striker V's in the cargo bay."

Liara laughed mischievously, "It seems your words have affected Ashley profoundly… and perhaps we set a good example of xenophilic relations?" She kissed Shepard possessively yet gently, not wanting to disturb wounds or get the Commander too hot and bothered.

"You know me Liara, the exemplary teacher. I hope you stayed away from Andrews while I was out."

The asari was confused for a moment, and then remembered her earlier bafflement on Virmire. "Shepard, the translator module faces enough challenges, do you think you might start talking in standard English sentences instead of references to old Earth vids?"

"Not on your life, T'Soni, unless you bribe me with enough kisses."

Dr. Chakwas entered. Could her timing be worse? Maybe Saren would come knocking on the airlock door next.

"Ah, my Amazons, I see you're awake. Ladies, good to see our warriors aren't alone."

Ashley's pale complexion suffused with rose and Shepard coughed under her breath. Tali muttered "keelah" and excused herself. Only Liara stayed glued to her chair.

"But now it's time for me to check vitals, and for our good Peter Pan and company to get some rest."

"I am not leaving Shepard, doctor. I do not trust her to rest. She will likely hop into the Mako and head down to Virmire on the off chance that she missed a single geth. And she might corrupt Ashley into joining her."

Shepard had to give Liara points for saying that with a straight face. Then again, Liara wasn't so far off base. The Commander tried to turn her body to face the doctor with a counter-strike. Someone slammed a red-hot iron rod into her back, or so it felt. She collapsed back flat on the bed and cursed.

"You see Dr. Chakwas, she has no common sense at all, she is already trying to move!"

"Point taken, Liara. Shepard, by your own fault, you are now under Tinkerbell's care. Do not try and play Peter Pan again. If you fall from a rooftop or simply off this bed, I may look the other way and enjoy a book over a hot cup of tea. And Liara? I will make your nursing duties easier by administering a sedative to both these young ladies so we may ALL get a good night's sleep." Ashley groaned, which did nothing to fend off the needles that put the two Marines to sleep. Liara plumped up a pillow and fell asleep in the chair between their beds.

The next morning Shepard woke the trio up by banging a bedpan against the metal bed rail. "Marines. It's 0600, time to wake up!"

"Shepard, you are a petulant child," Liara groaned groggily.

""Boss, you're an ass. Sleep in and enjoy yourself."

"Liara, I thought you loved me. Ashley, next time ask permission before calling me an ass."

Ashley threw her pillow at Shepard, nearly nabbing the tip of Liara's crest. The Commander raised the bedpan in a mock throw. Chakwas chose that moment to enter. "Ladies, it looks like restraints are in order; even Dr. T'Soni can't keep you in line. And what was that awful din?"

Shepard tucked the bedpan behind her pillow and smiled innocently. "Must've been a thruster knocking. You see! I really should be up and out of bed so I can check on Engineering."

"Commander, you are still officially relieved of duty for 24 more hours. XO Pressly has things well under control. But if you can walk to your cabin, you are more than welcome to finish your recuperation there. But only if you _stay_ there under Liara's supervision. Am I clear? And Ashley, the same goes for you. No active duty for another 24 hours. Tali said she will bring your meals and visit with you when she's off duty. Am I clear, my dear invalids? Or would you like me to sedate you _and_ restrain you?

"I'd love to- sounds kinky doc, but I'm outta here," Shepard said as she carefully tried to sit up. _Fucking boxer shorts on a stick, that hurts!_ But she managed a stoic face so neither the doc or Liara would mollycoddle or further incarcerate her.

"Whatever the Skipper does, I do. I'm out of here too," Ashley chimed in.

Back in Shepard's cabin, Liara mounded the bed pillows so Shepard could sit propped up comfortably. The asari's flesh wound was already nearly healed thanks to Chakwas' care and Medi-gel. Liara took off her pants so Shepard could slather some of the gel on her wound.

"Moon, I am not taking you on another mission. I can't bear you getting hurt and I literally got my ass shot off when I saw you hit."

"Shepard, my biotics are a powerful resource. Next time I will put up a barrier in time. And think how I feel: every time you go into battle I don't know if you will even return. And you invariably get hurt. At least if I am with you, I can watch out for you." Liara knows the thought of someone watching out for the powerful Commander Shepard is somehow absurd, but she can't deny her feelings. "I know we are going to Noveria next, and I ask that you take me along. You must take me along so I can see my mother. It's been a decade since we last talked, but the Matriarch others describe is not the woman I knew. I must see her for myself."

"Fair enough, Moon. But no other missions." Shepard doesn't want to talk about Noveria, even though it seems inevitable. "So tell me about Ashley and Tali; what the fuck is going on there? Are they making winky with the monkey?

Liara considers the image of a blinking primate, but quickly dismisses it. "I do not know much more than you do. While you were out, Tali came to stay with Ashley and they seemed to grow quite close. Tali was very flustered when she heard Ashley had been wounded."

"Sweet! Oh hey, don't put your pants back on yet, I don't think the Medi-gel has dried yet." Shepard grabs the pants out of Liara's hands and tries to hide them.

"Kate, it dries in 30 seconds and you know it. Please do not make me use my biotics to restrain you."

"Sexy, very sexy you dominating asari types."

The next day both Ashley and Shepard were up and about. Ashley was coming along nicely and barely had a limp. The Commander walked slowly and with teeth-gritting difficulty. Her back muscles would need another two days to mend together and three ribs were fractured. There would be scaring, though at least her butt would heal without a mark. _Good thing, Liara is definitely an ass woman._

Ashley had asked for a moment of the Commander's time. Shepard hoped she wanted advice on how to wine and dine a quarian (dextro-protein and a carafe of purified water with a long straw?)

"Skipper. I want to thank you for saving my life. But you broke protocol: you should have rescued Kaidan."

_Oh great green gods on a blue fucking horse, are we really going to do this?_ "Gunnery chief Williams, I'll remind you just once more to not question a superior officer's actions. That was not a decision I wanted to make, but in the end, there was no decision. We were within 100 meters of you while we had little hope of reaching Kaidan in time. He was a friend and he will be missed. You lived, he died. Buck up Marine and fuck you (_OK, I've officially ventured way beyond a little too firm_)."

Ashley's jaw dropped and her mouth hung open as she watched Shepard stalk off like Quasimodo with a cane. The gunnery chief turned to seek out Tali, who might have some good advice. Tali was tough, but also level-headed and kind. Those geek types could always see the logical approach to every problem.

Shepard stormed into the cabin like Captain Ahab, muttering curses that would probably never find their way into the translator's data banks. "Motherfucking monkey tits on a stick, goddamn slick-slitted dingle-brained woman! Crap, crap, crap!"

Liara had been studying data on the terminal. She simply looked at the Commander with her best neutral yet caring expression. She sensed that no matter what she said, it would probably be wrong.

"How the fuck would she like my job for a day, huh Moon?! Sure it's great fun choosing who lives and dies. It's a ball of honey on a bear's ass, that's what it is! She doesn't think I miss him? I miss him! He was a freaking stalker with bad hair, but he was _my_ stalker and he was the closest thing I had to a best friend until I met you. Fucking ass-wench Williams! Fucking Kaidan, I am so sorry Kaidan."

Shepard collapsed like a building that was imploding in slowmo. She'd blown her wad of energy and her bandages and braces made even collapse a slow and stilted thing. She held her red face in her hands, so Liara couldn't see her expression.

"Shepard?"

"What, Moon?"

"Is Ashley also a Catholic?"

"I have no idea, Moon. Why?"

"I know it is hard losing a crew member, especially one who was close like Kaidan But both you and Ashley seem to share the same guilt… is it the Catholic malady again?"

Shepard uncovered her face and laughed softly, shaking her head. "Oh my Blue Moon, you could say that. In fact, you nailed it on the head. Yes, we've got a bad case of the Catholics. Sometimes it takes a brilliant asari to figure out two dumb humans. C'mere."

Liara walked up to the seated Commander, feeling slightly brilliant: bomb defused. Shepard grabbed her around the waist and hugged her tightly.


	12. Chapter 12 Too Much Monkey Business

**Chapter 12 – Too Much Monkey Business**

**A/N: **Starts off whacky, then gets quite serious when Shep reveals her dark secret. Next chapter: Noveria! Brrr!

Who could believe it?! Admiral Hackett wanted Shepard and her crew to head back to the Attican Beta cluster to babysit monkeys on Eletania. I mean really? A Spectre and Commander playing animal catcher? The Alliance really knew how to manage its resources. It seems some pyjaks had monkeyed around with a data module and had taken to it as quickly as earth folks did the latest Oh!Phone. Her mission, should she accept it? Get the data module back without offending animal rights activists in the process. Somehow she doubted Emily Wong or Green Paws would be covering her semi-simian exploits in the Attican Beta cluster.

Shep's wounds had healed, though her ribs still ached when she bent down quickly or got too jiggly-wiggly with Moon. Hackett's little mission would give her another day to recover before hitting the really the big show on Noveria. She took Ashley and Tali along for entertainment. They hit the ground and frisked a few space monkey colonies. _Great with their hands but not too bright, they remind me of Kaidan. OK, these pyjaks are worse; they're wiseasses too: one just pinched my ass!_ Shooting them was off limits, but decking one or two? Not so much.

Ashley was talking to herself. Shepard looked at Tali and Tali shrugged, sighing. Something was clearly wrong with googly-eyed Ophelia these days. They finally found the monkey with the business and cajoled him into giving up the module. Ashley made a sound like a Chihuahua, and then hopped to the side of the path. She stared at Shepard and Tali as if *they'd* done something odd. _Okeedokee_. Shepard and Tali took the lead with Ashley straggling behind.

"Tali, what is up with your girlfriend?"

"Keelah, I don't know Shepard. She has been getting progressively stranger, and this morning I found her in the weapons area asking a Naginata sniper rifle how it kept its hair so dark and shiny. Shepard, I believe that none of our weapons have hair," Tali said very seriously.

"Roger that, Super-Suit. No hair nowhere." _Shit_, she though to herself. _I've lost Jenkins and Kaidan and now Williams is on the express tram to the loony bin._

Back on board with a course set for Noveria, Shepard decided to pay Williams a visit. She got to the cargo bay and there was Ashley, talking to a goddamn pyjak!

"Gunnery chief Williams, *what* is that?! "

"It's a pyjak, Skipper."

"Holy monkey nuts on a stick, I know it's a pyjak Williams. Why is it on board?"

"Commander, watch what you say in front of the monkey!"

"Williams, it's a fucking goddamn space monkey, not Einstein! Now how did it get on board?"

"I don't really know ma'am. My guess is that it was in one of the crates of weapons and gear that we recovered from the surface. Isn't he just the cutest? We're in space now, so he's ours. Can I keep him? Can I?"

"Holy St. Wackjob, you sound like a ten year old with a puppy. This is a pyjak, not a puppy. This is an Alliance ship, not your tree house back home. What is wrong with you, Williams?"

"But Commander, I already gave him a name."

Shepard though it better to not encourage that with a query. Ashley volunteered anyway: "I named him Kaidan, ma'am."

_Oh great green gods on a purple elephant, I don't think Chucknuts has meds for this._

Tali wandered up and pulled the Commander aside. "You know, they say that animals are good listeners and provide unconditional support. Maybe Ashley will find some solace in the monkey. I suspect she is feeling very guilty about Kaidan's death. I um, I mean the real Kaidan, Commander."

"No kidding, Tali. OK, OK: we can't get rid of him in space and Noveria will freeze his fuzzy little balls off, so he can stay for now. But once we find a suitable planet for him, away he goes."

Shepard wandered off, shaking her head. Tali stayed with Ashley, petting the motherfucking flea-scratching space monkey. She should head back to the cabin and visit with Moon, but the asari was knee-deep in Prothean research and Shepard had Noveria on her mind. All she could think about was Noveria, and that was as much fun as dancing on the sands of Akuze with Thresher Maws. She headed for the mess hall.

"Greetings, Licks. Got anymore of that Captain Scaberous rum?"

"Why yes, Commander. But wouldn't you like some food to go with that?"

"Sure, how about grilled mommy on toast?"

"Sorry, Commander?"

"Grilled cheese and a chocolate milkshake, heavy on the –"

"I know, heavy on the syrup. Coming right up."

Neil Licks poured them each a glass of rum and started cooking. Shepard downed the glass in a single gulp and helped herself to another. _Trouble ahead. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger. Stop now, do not pass three glasses._

"So Commander how was your day?"

"I was the star of Animal Planet, how about you, Chef?"

"The closest I came was some dubious beef, Commander. Why so stressed if merely played with the local wildlife?"

"Well, Williams' mind has gone AWOL, and I have to kill Liara's mom tomorrow. My dance card sucks, Licks ('sucks licks', _gods, that sounded so damned nasty_). "

"I see. Killing your beloved's mother has got to be very difficult."

"You said it, Licks" Shepard said as she downed another glass of the dark and dubious rum. Mommy dearest is a bitch and a witch, but it still sucks varren eggs."

Shepard was feeling a wee bit too much of a glow after downing three glasses of rum on a nearly empty stomach. Time to go before that which shall not be named got loose. What is it with the human urge to confess? Why ask… nuns raised me.

Back in the cabin, Liara was intent on her monitor. She's one hella geeky girl, but that level of concentration wasn't quite normal. Shepard figured Liara was tense about Noveria too, and throwing herself into work was the perfect distraction. Shepard let her be, and whipped out her OSD.

"_Dear Diary,_

_It's so friggin weird to be writing to you when I have one sumptuous blue babe in my quarters. Life throws us tank-grown krograns and we make chastity belts, hey? Today I played with space monkeys because my boss told me to. Hey, promise me this Diary: if I'm ever such a trivial-minded ass, just wipe out my password and save yourself. OK? Deal? Good._

_Noveria is tomorrow… you know what that means. Benezia, Wicked Witch of the Great Blue North. Liara's mom. This is the end, Diary. Liara will dump me if I kill her mom. But who am I kidding? My job is to save the galaxy and not my love's heart or my own soul. It's irretrievably lost because of you know what and more. Let's not beat around the bush like we're rousting pyjaks: I killed my own mother. Clearly I was too good at it since I get to kill my lover's mom. It's my new job: Mommy Killer. Better than the Butcher of Torfan, don't you think?"_

Shepard put the OSD down and stared at the wall, unseeing. She saw herself at twelve years old, hiding in the closet where her parents kept the firearms. She heard the shouting, which was nothing new. Hannah, her mother, had been going off the wall at odd hours for a few years now. But before she hid in the closet, she saw a rifle and pistol in Hannah's hands. And what did she do? She hid in the motherfucking closet instead of protecting Ewan, her little brother. She didn't even try to help her dad, and she knew he could use backup. Hannah was raving and her father was trying to talk her down. Ewan was crying and her father pushed Ewan behind him for protection. Mom said some crazy shit and then she shot her husband right through the temple. He fell to the floor and Ewan stood exposed like a frozen swan. Hannah shot him too. Then she turned toward the closet, saying "I know you have to be in there Katie, I've already looked under the bed, you little coward. Come join your father and brother."

Shepard whimpered and said nothing. Hannah heard her simpering and said, "I'm coming for you darling."

"Please mommy, go away. Please." _Oh god, daddy… Ewan._

Hannah opened the closet door and aimed the rifle at Shepard's head. Shepard raised her own gun and fired at her mother. The kickback drove her into the closet wall and something heavy fell on her, knocking her out.

"Shepard? Shepard!" Liara was shaking her shoulder, trying to rouse her.

"Oh, Moon my love. Sorry, my head wandered away. Licks lubed me with more rum (_OK, that sounded nasty too_). You done with your research?"

"Yes. I am sorry I didn't say a word when you entered, but I am almost sure I have learned more about what the beacons showed you. When I am more sure, I will share it with you."

Shepard was looking away again, staring at the wall with glistening eyes and a disturbing expression. "Shepard, what is wrong? Is it about tomorrow?"

"Yes, it is Liara. You know I don't want to hurt your mother, and will only do so if absolutely necessary _(what fucking kind of person am I to believe killing Liara's mother could ever be so important?_)."

"I know that Kate. I can feel that." Liara felt a blackness in Shepard, like a cancer eating the human more each day.

"Moon, if it doesn't hurt too much, tell me about your mom. I mean, when you were young, not now that she's a dangerous stranger."

"She was the most powerful asari I'd known, Shepard. Even when I was old enough to go away on digs, she still held me in awe. She cared a great deal about the fate of our people and galaxy, and much like you; her personal life took a back seat to what she called 'the greater good'. She wanted me to follow in her steps: though I am a pureblood, our family was quite important and she believed I had the necessary skills to continue her work. She was rather disappointed when I rejected her notions and became a scientist. She threatened to cut me off. We haven't spoken in many years."

"Wow, that's harsh."

"Yes, but that was the strength of her convictions. She wasn't much of a mother in conventional terms, and I was raised by caretakers more than her, but she was an amazing woman. That is why I find it so difficult to understand what has happened to her in the last decade. My father, whoever she was, and me-her only child, were less important than the galaxy. What could have driven her so far off course?"

"Poor sweet Moon, I can't begin to imagine. But we may find out tomorrow. You do know how much I love you (_but not enough to let your mom go free if she is indeed evil?_)"

"Yes, I do Shepard. And I love you too."

The OSD glowed in the corner of the room, unlocked.


	13. Chapter 13 Durf!

**Chapter Thirteen – Durf!**

"If the red slayer thinks he slays,  
Or if the slain think he is slain  
They know not well the subtle ways  
I keep, and pass, and turn again"

- from "Brahma" by Ralph Waldo Emerson

...

Mira, Mira on the wall, who's the coyest VI of them all? And in the 22nd century, you'd think an advanced artificial intelligence would have something better to harp on than the "landlines need fixing, oh the landlines!" Really? Archaic copper wires that transmit voice and data are so important even here on remote Peak 15?

Yes, they were on Noveria. Shepard was obliged to take Liara, and Tali was riding shotgun. Clearly, Ashley was out of the picture for now, and Tali's suit was likely to handle the extreme cold of Noveria better. Desert-dweller Wrex's nuts shriveled just thinking about sub-zero planets. Thank the fucking gods Ashley didn't suggest she take the 'new Kaidan' on the mission. Holy frozen krogan buns it was cold in this place!

To get to this desolate and-ass freezing point they'd made friends with Gianna, who at first blush seemed like a receptionist cum corporate politico in training underneath the head of Synthetic Insights. Yes, every big company was either stupider or greedier than the Council, and slippery Anoleis, the once and great salarian CEO was now heading to jail. Gianna was an undercover agent as it turned out, just waiting to nab Anoleis: how cool was that? If Shep wasn't shacking with Blue Moon, she might have been tempted by a seat in Ms. Parasini's balcony. Instead good Spectre Shepard stuck to business and helped her nail the bastard. _That's me always too firm and too good_, though in that combination it suddenly sounded more interesting.

And now they were at Peak 15- plenty of geth and a new episode of Broken Homes to come. Shep would kill herself if need be to save the galaxy. In fact she would die for Liara. But she realized most normal folks weren't so single-minded. Would Liara sacrifice her own mother? Would she ever forgive Shep for doing so? Would they even meet and greet Cruella De Vil? _Yeah, I know; sounds like a bad trailer for next week's As the Galaxy Turns. Worse yet, it's real life boys and cowgirls. Trust me, someday they won't write a book about this._

Peak 15 was cold and remote except for the aptly named Hotlabs, that weren't exactly home to a Girl Scout bonfire anymore. Rachni bred in the Hotlabs were making like berserkers so the team had to kill them. These cross between a crayfish and a spider the size of a Suzuki airbike were deadly. No wonder the krogan had offed them a few millennia ago. That is, until they encountered the queen rachni whose eggs were being absconded with by those Synthetic Insights bastards for Hotlabs experiments. Her words were pure poetry: she described speech in terms of color and music. Keats as a bug the size of a VW Beetle, dig it? Mamma rachni couldn't be all bad, and the queen told her that Benezia had violated her by melding with her to recover the coordinates of the long lost Mu Relay, the path to Saren's conduit. So the queen was the victim here, and Shepard let the queen of an all but extinct species go. But giant creepy-crawlies weren't enough, and they encountered more geth (_been there, done that and tossed the medals under my OSD_) and asari commandos. Though fine to look at, this could only mean they were getting close to Benezia. The commandos made the geth seem like harmless inflatable dolls: their biotics were overwhelming and their blind indoctrinated vengeance was lethal. Liara put up barriers as often as possible and Shepard used her biotic throw and gun with alternating perfect precision. Happily, Tali didn't suffer a "my suit!' incident and kept the firepower coming. _Good girl, Tali!_ Still, a commando winged Moon—_how dare her fucking mother send commandos to shoot her only daughter! Damn her, damn her, damn her to my hell I will kill her like a friggin' flea_. _Fuck HER!_ Shepard raged onward mowing down commandos and taking fire as her party ran to keep up. And there she was, the evil mother with ghastly gray-blue skin and a Morticia Adams dress cut embarrassingly low. Benezia tore Moon's heart out with her drivel about destroying all sentient life. Moon faltered and tears ran down her face as she told her mother there were no words to justify what Benezia had become. Benezia threatened to kill Moon on the spot while trapping Shepard in a biotic hold. _If I have to shed my own skin to escape this hold I will, and I will protect Liara!_ Then Benezia's hold and voice broke: she returned to her former self for just a moment and said "Good night, Little Wing. I'm glad you've found someone worthy to love you." In her final sane act, she betrayed Saren and shared the location of the Mu Relay. Then the party shot Benezia dead as indoctrination reclaimed her. Shepard's heart was a small gray stone. She could only imagine how Moon felt.

xxxxxx

Liara can't speak to Shepard; she has locked herself in her med bay room for 36 hours. Shepard stares at her cabin walls. She sets a course for a minor planet to take care of a small mission where she can at least shoot something. She walks through the Normandy's corridors and is blank; her world is expressionless without the color blue. She suddenly understands the rachni queen when she said, "your words have no color". It isn't just that she's having Liara withdrawal (_oh why isn't Liara having Shepard withdrawal?_). It's something more serious. Shepard can't even bear talking to Chef Licks or easy-going Garrus. Liara and Shepard are a mess; they're the Normandy's two ghosts that never cross paths. Shepard feels she's lived her life in a tight steel box that she's been firing practice rounds in for the past 10 years. All bang and flash but nothing of consequence, nothing of meaning ever done. Finally she can't take it any more and she heads for the med bay where Dr. Chucknuts greets her.

"Hello, Commander. Feeling unwell? I've heard you've been out of sorts lately."

"No, I'm fine doc. How's Liara? I thought maybe… I mean I'd thought about talking to Liara. You see, I thought about coming by to see how she's doing. But yeah, it was just a thought." Shepard's shoulders slumped inward like an awkward bird trying to cover its face with drawn-in wings.

"Liara has been meditating, in what she says is the asari fashion. I imagine she's working through her grief. Give her a bit of time, Shepard."

Shepard looked at her guilty-ass feet and sighed. Then she straightened her spine and drew herself to full height, looking Chakwas in the eye. _Must at least look like the goddamn Commander, Shep._

"Right, doc. Tell Her I dropped by then, if you think that won't upset her more."

"Upset her, whatever are you talking about, Commander?"

"Guess you're the only person on board who doesn't know I killed Benezia."

"I know you and your team had to kill her, yes. I am fully abreast of the situation, have no fear. Why don't you eat a bite and get some rest; the last mission left a hole in you as ever, and I fear this one is quickly becoming inappropriately symbolic. You have nothing to fear but moping itself as FDR would have said if he'd let Eleanor write that speech as she did his others. And I have a late dinner appointment with Garrus."

"Garrus, is he sick?"

"No dear, a *dinner* appointment. He's rather dashing you know, and he can move his mandibles in the most delectable ways."

Shepard's eyebrows rose to her hairline as she tried to maintain a straight face.

"No shit, doc? You and Dentures? Never would've guessed. But don't turians have um… certain anatomical parts that are rather on a different scale than ours?"

"Yes, some things take a bit of patience and finesse, but I've always said life should be lived on a grand scale."

"Alrighty then… you go, girl! Don't let me hold you up (_go shuck 'em and chuck 'em Chucknuts_).

Shepard returned to her cabin and poured herself a glass of whiskey. She glared at the OSD that held her diary: _What! What? You write for a change. I've already got the weight of the world on my shoulders, so you can cough up a few words for me, can't ya? Just sign my name: Commander Spectre Putz._

Before there was time to enter into a full-on argument with the OSD, there was a knock on the door. It was Liara. _Liara… Liara. All the world was Liara colored. The music on her audio player was the sound of Liara's laugh. The warmth of her blankets was Liara. Thank god, it's Liara. Let hope spring eternal (fool!)._

Moon walked through the door, looking radiant in a blue dress.

"Hello, Shepard," Liara said tentatively, shifting her gaze from the Commander's eyes to her own feet. "It's been some time, I am sorry for that. But I wanted to see you."

_Why can't she look me in the eye? Fuck, I'm the only one on board who studies their own feet. She's come to say 'goodbye, drop me off at the Citadel' OK, calm down and be dignified_. "Hi Moon, I've been lonesome for you, but I understand."

"You do? Shepard, this has been most difficult. The most difficult thing I have faced in my short life."

_106 years? Yeah. OK. Short life_. "So Moon, how are you holding up? Is there anything I can do to help? I mean, it's all my fault what you're feeling so probably not. But just in case there's anything I can do, let me know. And I just want to say I'm sorry. I should never have brought you on board and led you on, because I knew I'd only hurt you in the end (_gods, I never thought I'd hurt you so soon though_)."

"Kate, I do not understand."

"I killed your mother to save us, to save the galaxy. It's what I do. I might kill you if I had to in order to save the galaxy."

"Goddess, Shepard, I would never do something to endanger the galaxy, so that is not going to happen. And you foolish woman: you just risked your life to protect me from that commando on Noveria. If your job is to save the galaxy, and I believe is, then you risked the galaxy to save me. And on Feros you threw yourself in the line of fire to protect Tali. You do not know yourself very well. It is us who must protect the protector, don't you see? You need us just as much as we need you. You are very careless with your life, and from what I hear you have always been. It is the one thing I detest about you, but we can change that."

"Ummm…" _Shepard wonders if she should now worry that she's endangering the galaxy. Her own life—who cares, but the galaxy, holy fucking jock strap on a stick. This has become way too complex. And since when did she join the soccer team? A group effort? Wait- this is the only thing Liara detests about her?_

"You of anyone Kate can understand that I needed time to meditate on what my mother was. Being born of a monster isn't something I take lightly."

"Liara, your mother was NOT a monster. She was indoctrinated. She snapped out of it for a moment and called you 'Little Wing' and that was the real Benezia for a moment. Remember that."

Liara looks down and thinks for a moment, then a small smile breaks on her face… the first Shepard has seen in days.

"You are right, Kate. It is easy to lose sight of that seeing her as we just did. And she was never a warm person; my memories of her are stark. But she was a strong person who wanted to do the right thing, and I can't recall her ever hurting anyone: in fact quite the opposite. Thank you for reminding me."

"Liara, she was a fine woman who died trying to save the galaxy. And she brought you into the world. I only wish I could have met her before… all this. I know she'd hate my manners but I would have thanked her."

Tears streamed like turquoise crystals down Liara's cheeks. "Thank you, Shepard." She moved forward into Shepard's arms and wept as the human stroked her head while cooing soft and soothing nothings.

"And Kate?"

"Yes, Moon my love?"

"You are not a 'mommy killer'. Though I admit you have had to do it more than once. You do get saddled with the jobs no one else can do." Liara carefully excised sympathy from her voice, lest the Commander explode more than she was about to.

"Wait, oh fuck. How do you know about that? Did my mind leak again during a meld?"

"No, durf, you left an OSD sitting on the table, I looked at it and read the page that was displayed."

"Oh fuck me! Huh? Wait… Durf?"

"Is it not a popular human phrase? I've been reading up on those since you insist on speaking so colloquially."

"Oh… you meant dork or duh. Wait, did you just call me a dork, Liara?"

"Kate, I love you, you dork. Duh."

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks to Theodur for mischievous ideas about the new Kaidan, and thanks for everything (and I mean everything!) to JadeDragonMTR.


	14. Chap 14 Choc Sauce, Whipped Cream Cherry

**Chapter 14 – Chocolate Sauce, Whipped Cream and a Cherry**

Shepard was passing the mess hall on the way to the cargo bay when she saw Garrus grabbing breakfast. She couldn't resist stopping by to tease the big man.

"Hey, hey Dentures, hungry after a hard night's work?"

"Hello, Shepard. I was off duty, as I believe you know. I'm guessing Karen mentioned something given the buffoonish grin on your face?"

"Karen is it now? Well, good for you and the doc. She did mention something about how delicious these are," she said, tugging on one of his mandibles. If a turian could blush, Garrus would have, as he coughed quietly and looked away for a moment.

"Truly, Shepard, you're like my little brother, *before* he grew up. Do I ask you about the rumbling and thumping we hear from your and Dr. T'Soni's cabin each night?"

"Ask away, Dentures. I'm an open book."

"That can only mean there's nothing to tell."

Shepard snorted and narrowed her eyes at the turian.

"OK, so tell me Shepard, because I've always wondered about this. It's obvious that asari have (he jiggles invisible cantaloupes on his chest), but I've heard that they lack nipples. Is this true?"

"Oh, trust me they have nipples and they're every bit as fun as-. Oh, crap, hi Liara."

The Commander turned Mars red and looked sheepish as she greeted Liara. "I didn't hear you come in. What brings you to the mess hall?"

"I'd asked Chef Licks for a few food items and I came by to see when they'd be ready," she said with a raised eyebrow and a carefully concealed smile. "Please don't let me interrupt your battle plans and male bonding." She kissed Shepard on the cheek, and then went to speak with Licks.

"Well Dentures, it was great strategizing with you, but I've got to speak with Williams." She cleared her throat and straightened her jacket, then left with a wave.

She bumped into Tali, and decided to keep this conversation G rated.

"Commander, may I ask you a personal question?"

"Umm… maybe (_so much for keeping things G rated_). What is it?"

"I know that humans are somewhat open when it comes to gender and even other species for mating."

"Yes… so? Tali, if you've converted Ashley to play for the Women's Softball Alien All-Stars, then I'd say you're batting 1000."

"Well, it's not quite that. Oh, keelah! This is most awkward. Do humans extend their bonds to non-sentients? Let me rephrase that, of course the new Kaidan has a certain level of sentience, but- ."

"Are you saying that Ashley is getting it on with a space monkey?

"It's just that she spends so much time with him and she talks to him instead of the rifles—and that is a good thing. But she sometimes chooses to spend time with him instead of me."

"Dali Llama on a stick Tali, are you jealous of a pyjak?"

"Yes. No. Oh Shepard, I do not know anymore."

"Ashley might've had a few screws come loose temporarily, but no, humans do not mate with pyjaks she's not falling for Mr. Hairball in the cargo bay. Humans are very fond of animals as pets, and when they can't face their fellow sentients, animals make good companions. They always listen and they never judge, even if they do smell like… never mind. You get my drift?"

"Yes, Shepard. So her relationship with the new Kaidan is normal?"

"Normal? Not quite. But there's no monkey business going on. She can never do one last nice thing for the real Kaidan or say she's sorry, but she can treat fuzzy nuts the namesake nicely so she can feel better. And since we're having a girl-to-girl chat, how are things between you and her?"

"They are marvelous, Shepard. She is the most thoughtful yet strategically minded person I have met. And she has such a keen analytical mind that we can spend hours discussing weapons systems. I have even requested an antibiotic treatment from Dr. Chakwas so we can take it to the next level before Illos."

"OK then, next level… great to hear (_can you say TMI city?_). I'm off to see Ashley next, and will give you my full report, how's that?"

"Thank you, Shepard. That would be wonderful."

"And by the time we reach a suitable planet to drop off fuzzy butt, I think he'll have served his purpose with Ashley and she'll be ready to give him a banana and a fond bon voyage, OK?"

"Yes Shepard. Thank you again. You are a most wise and unique Commander."

"Me? You gotta be kidding." Shepard shook her head and left.

'Command Dear Abby' is ready to resign her command, and she's sure Ashley will be the final push. _Gods, why me? Isn't Liara better cut out for this sort of shit?_

"Ashley, how are we doing?"

"Oh hi ma'am, doing just great. Feeling much better actually."

Grasshopper might just be telling the truth: her eyes weren't googly and Shepard couldn't spot a single nervous tick or nervous bark.

"Think you might be ready for a mission soon? Big times coming if we manage to catch Saren's bony ass on Illos. We might just manage to save the galaxy's collective butt.

"I can't wait skipper! I'll be so glad to get back into action."

"And how's your little furry friend? Tali tells me you guys have some pretty personal pow-wows. Pretty soon she's gonna wish she had a tail."

"Kaidan is just fine, skipper. He's great to talk to… ya know I'm not much of a conversationalist, but so far I haven't pissed him off or put him to sleep. He loves Tali too."

"So you both love Tali, lucky her (_hmmm… no objections from the xenophobic section of the gunnery wing?_).

"She's a great woman Commander. I really don't know why I was so freaked out. I mean, look at you and Liara, you know? Blue and white, girl and girl: you're right, as long as someone makes nice to someone else, it can't be bad. Just don't tell my grandfather that, ma'am." Ashley laughed.

"OK Ashley, sounds like a plan to me. And don't keep Tali up too late tonight you salty dog."

"Aye, aye ma'am!"

Finally, thank the gods, Shepard was done with her emotie-rounds and landed back in her cabin where a gorgeous blue person was propped up on the bed, reading from a data pad. For the first time in Shepard's short life, reality was making dreams seem like chump change. Liara smiled her cat smile as Shepard straddled her on the bed and kissed her. Liara hummed her pleasure and ran her tongue slowly around both of Shepard's lips. Then Joker sounded on the comm.

"Holy ice cubes in the underwear! What the hell is it Joker?"

"Um, ma'am, don't shoot the messenger. The Council has expressed their concern about the once and former Saren and the Reapers. They'd like to talk with you about the threat ASAP, and ask that you meet with them on the Citadel."

"Fine. OK, fine. Set a course for the Citadel. And Joker, are you sure you don't have bugs in my cabin, because if you do…"

"No ma'am, just knew you were on board. ETA to the Citadel, 30 minutes."

Liara and Shepard touched their foreheads together and sighed. So much for lovings in the afternoon. The Commander ran her fingers over Liara's precious freckles and lined her lips. "Sorry, Moon. This has to be the big break where they'll finally listen to us."

"I understand Commander, and I too hope we can now finally get the support we need to fight the Reapers."

Shepard donned her dress blues and Liara wore her light armor. They'd take Ashley Williams along now that she was (mostly) sane and had a strong family service history to back her up. Shepard didn't believe in dreams, even if Liara seemed like one, but she fully expected the Council's full support after all that had transpired. Instead, they balked again, and somehow still thought that their brand new Spectre was living the vida loca. Really? Saren's actions weren't good enough? Benezia turning into Morticia Adams and wanting to destroy all sentient life? The old "organics bad, machines good" statements from Sovereign weren't enough of a hint? The fact that Saren and the Reapers had a conduit that could let them infiltrate Alliance space? Screw them. The icing on the fucking cake was Udina siding with the Council and grounding the Normandy. _Monkey nuts on a stick! As if his career would be so precious after the Reapers destroyed all sentient life. __Dear Ambassador Udina, eat my shorts- l nibbled your bitchy daughter's edible panties. _

The battle was lost, and Shepard, a master at winning a losing game was lost. But Anderson caught her after the fated Council meeting and said he'd get the Normandy off the ground again, by hack or by fist. He asked her team to meet him at the bar and he'd explain.

The team headed to Flux and killed time with a drink and a dance. Shepard danced like a wounded ostrich. Liara made asari dancers look like girl scouts: she shimmied up and down Shepard's thigh until the Commander ceased to think about the Council. Ashley, to her credit, wasn't the least bit bothered. Then Anderson walked in and told them he'd either hack Udina's computer to release the Normandy or coerce Earth's least-deserving ambassador. Shep worried about the world of hurt Anderson was inviting, but this was more important than her or Anderson's career.

They returned to the Normandy and waited to see what kind of magic Anderson could work. Shepard went to her locker and ended up getting into a fistfight with it. Poor knuckles, if only Shep could pick on Wonder Bread for a change. _Holy St. Fuckup, I joined the Alliance because they had rules and the rules made sense. Do the right thing and you got a medal and more backup the next time. So what kind of bargain basement army of sheepish incompetents have they become? About as useful as my grandparents. Look the other way and click your heels twice…maybe the problem with go away. Ha!_

She slid down the locker, holding her head with bloodied fists. Liara walked up and looked down at her calmly. _Why are asari always so goddamn calm?_

"Shepard, I won't ask what is bothering you. It's painfully obvious to anyone outside the Council. They do not see the threat right in front of them, and they are so lost in a veil of denial that they won't even listen to their first appointed human Spectre. You are the only one who has absorbed the beacons' knowledge and you are the one who sent Saren running. You are the only one who has spoken with Sovereign, and still they will not heed you… heed us. But I assume that slumping against your locker and holding your face will not save the galaxy either."

"Jesus bar-hopping Christ, Moon, you have a way of making a girl feel better. Not. So here's the deal blue cheeks: everything I've ever done in the Alliance has been golden. I find a bad guy, I shoot a bad guy. I uncover the enemy and request backup and I get backup. I'm outnumbered but I get the job done and return like a puppy dog with the bone. I even put up with politics; because it's good for the Alliance and it means we can get the job done that much faster. But what in the name of Mussolini in panties am I supposed to do now?

"Anderson will help with that. And when he does, what are you going to do, Shepard? Sulk because the Council members are behaving like bad parents, or are you going to lead us to Saren and the conduit before he can harm thousands upon thousands of others?"

"I am going to get us through the motherfucking Mu Relay and to the conduit the instant we are free, assuming that ever happens. So don't get your crest all stiff and in a huff, and don't think I don't know what you're doing."

"Oh, what am I doing, Shepard?"

"Getting me mad, getting me fighting mad. And don't think I don't appreciate it, Moon."

Liara grinned crookedly (_uh-oh was Shepard wearing off on her? Next thing you know she'd be saying 'Athame on a stick'!_). The asari reached her hand down to pull Shepard up. Sure, it was sloppily symbolic with sympathy on top, but Shepard craved the feeling of the asari's warm hand in hers—so she grabbed Liara's hand and leapt to her feet… and then they were so close that Shepard could feel Liara's breath on her lips. _Liara, Liara, the world is blue and I will swim in it._

"Captain Anderson is on the comm, Commander," Joker blared through.

"Of course he is, Joker. And because you're Carl Sagen you always know where I am at any given moment."

"Um, ma'am, nobody does the job better than me. And no, I wasn't spying (much)."

Anderson went the more satisfying option (decking Udina) so he could access the Ambassador's computer and give the Normandy the green light. Joker and Shepard kept their eyes glued to the console, waiting for the green light. And there it was!

"Joker, get us out of her NOW!"

"Aye, aye Commander! Hold onto your pardners, because this takeoff is going to be better than hand sex with a hanar!" They made it! They were quickly out of Citadel space and on their way to the Mu Relay. Nothing left to do but enjoy the long trip, as Ashley and Tali were likely doing (let's not even think about Chucknuts and Garrus).

Shepard headed back to her cabin. Liara was waiting for her there, and she'd done a little catering. There was a tray with chocolate syrup, vanilla and chocolate whipped cream and a glass of cherries. A bottle of Thessian wine sweated invitingly next to the tray.

"Liara? What have you been up to?"

"Oh, I had a feeling you'd deserve a little reward before the big battle, so I asked the Chef to procure a few of your favorite Earthly delights. You'll forgive me if the whipped cream is soy based?"

"Hmm.. convince me why I should forgive you…" Shepard moved like the north wind and was beside the shy-sly asari in a nanosecond. Her lips hovered tantalizingly close to Liara's as she laughed softly.

"Commander, I think it is you who should convince me. First, please remove my tunic, it is itching me. And then please remove your own."

Shepard licked her lips while keeping her mouth an inch from the asari's as she lifted Liara's shirt over her head. The human gasped as she saw two bold, erect nipples greet her. Liara's breasts were perfect; upturned and rising and falling with excitement.

"Commander?"

Shepard took the prompt and removed her own shirt, pausing to watch Liara for permission to remove her sports bra. Liara gave one of her little head nods and Shepard yanked the bra over her head and threw it in a corner.

"Lovely, Commander, in fact just perfect," Liara said as she nuzzled Shepard's breasts. Shepard shuddered and waited for further orders.

"Now please remove your slacks and I'll step out of mine."

Shepard yanked her pants off and watched as Liara raised one blue slender leg then the other to remove her pants. _Azure. Blue. Liara and only Liara in front of her now. When this is all over, I want to spend days, nights and years flying through azure skies._

"Please take the chocolate syrup Kate, and place it where you think it will taste best."

_I have fucking died and gone to Valhalla! Oh my gods, where to start first? Breasts, belly button or the grandest canyon?!_ Shepard settled on Liara's nipples, wanting to take it slow and enjoy what she wished was an endless vacation.

The cool of the syrup made Liara shudder with pleasure, but when Shepard looked up at her, asking permission to clean up the sweets… now that was delectable! She nodded and Shepard began slowly licking up the dextro-rich dark sauce with her pink gymnast's tongue. It wasn't easy getting every last drop from the nooks and crannies of the asari's crinkled and very much real aureole and nipples, but the Commander was thorough. Liara could hardly stay standing and her head fell back with a rich sigh. Shepard took the cue and sucked along Liara's pulse point before moving to the sensitive ridges at the back of her neck.

"Oh goddess! Shepard!"

The Commander snickered with glee and worked her way up the asari's crest until Liara lost control… almost.

"Shepard, now take the whipped cream and paint me with it."

Oh mother of oceans! Where to start? Shepard drizzled the dessert between Liara's breasts, down across her taut belly, along the glistening divide and down her thighs. She didn't wait for permission as she dragged her tongue down Liara's breastbone, catching a bit that had dotted her left breast. The asari shuddered like the tide then exhaled softly, gently. Shepard continued down between the valley of Liara's ribcage and rimmed her navel. Sighs turned to moans as Liara arched her back. Then Shepard was at the azure divide, and only then did she look up at her lover.

"Yes, Commander, it's yours."

Shepard still looked up, waiting.

"Please, Kate, oh please!"

Shepard licked every sweet drop off before continuing down Liara's well-muscled thighs. Liara moaned with sweet disappointment. Shepard licked the lines of whipped cream until they were all gone, then returned to the wetness just above. Liara bucked her hips up as the Commander slipped inside with her tongue, crowded by glorious heat and wet. _Oh gods, let me die like this!_

"And what would you like me to do with the cherries?" Shepard asked devilishly.

"Oh goddess, Commander, you decide! Embrace eternity," Liara shout-whispered hoarsely.


	15. Chapter 15 Knickers

**Chapter 15- Knickers**

Shepard and Liara awoke to the rude bedside alarm at 0400, since they were due to arrive at Illos at 0500. Liara sighed and Shepard rolled on her side to face the asari. The Commander held Liara's face gently in her hands and kissed her cheeks, her nose and then her lips soft as a light rain.

Liara looked at her with hooded eyes. "Last night was amazing, Commander."

"Oh? Ready for round two? Though I think we used up every last cherry, so to speak."

Liara giggled like a schoolgirl and pulled Shepard on top of her. There was definitely time for round two before 0500.

At 04:45 Shepard suited up. Liara looked at the wall blankly with a frown on her face. Things could change quickly on the Normandy.

"Shepard, for the last time, you do not have better judgment when it applies to your own safety. I need you… we all need you to survive. When I accompany you, I can at least watch out for you and make sure you come back."

"Moon, I told you I get too distracted worrying about you getting hurt, and I don't want to get my ass literally shot off again."

"Shepard, I am now very practiced with my pistol and my biotics would impress a seasoned asari commando. I will do fine. On Noveria, you suffered serious wounds while I did not."

"That's only because I jumped between you and the line of fire, Moon."

"But Shep- ."

"No!" Shepard barked too firmly (_always too firmly_), then softened her voice. "Fuck it all, Liara I cannot bear losing you. I have lost nearly everything dear to me and I will NOT lose you too. I just can't risk that and I could never live it down if something happened to you."

"Have you ever thought I might feel the same way about you, you thick-headed human? You are always knocking at death's door with an inviting smile on your face, and it is I who cannot bear to lose you. I have lost my mother this year, and that is quite enough." Liara felt a little guilty about pulling the mother card, but this was important and she knew that guilt was as much a magnet for the Commander as the geth. And the tears sinking in a slow line from her cerulean eyes were all too real.

"Liara, stand down!"

Then Shepard came up close to the asari who was sitting on the edge of the bed with just a sheet thrown across her lap. Shepard pulled Liara's face to her stomach and held her close. "Please. Liara, please just stand down. I'm begging you, and you know I don't beg." She whispered. "I need to know you'll be here safe waiting for me so I can do this. I'll always come back as long as I have you." And then she left.

Shepard headed to the armory to pick up her weapons. Gunnery chief Williams was nowhere to be seen, but the new Kaidan was sitting on the counter wearing an N7 hoodie. _Fine, fine. Is he going to dole out rifles and pistols now? Holy monkey wrench in the machine! Just when I thought Googly-eyes had a clear head._

Shepard sneered at the pyjak and the space monkey bared its teething in idiotic mockery. "Where the fuck is your mother, monkey nuts?!"

Williams popped up from behind a crate. "Oh hi, Skipper. I was just pulling additional ordinance out of storage; I have a feeling we'll need it."

"Yes we will gunnery chief Williams, and why is the pyjack trick-or-treating as an N7 Marine?"

"He's used to a much warmer climate and the ship is chilly for him. He started shivering, and that was the only jacket no one needed… it was Kaidan's."

Shepard sighed as she took her newly modded rifle and trusty pistol from the gunnery chief. The monkey squealed and stuck its tongue out at Shepard. She blew it a raspberry and headed to the airlock while Ashley muttered something about both of them needing to grow up._ Look who's in charge of the zoo now… Ash. We are in deep varren doo-doo._

There was absolutely no room to land the Normandy near the target on Illos, but Joker, that magician, could get a Mako drop done with 2 centimeters to spare. Shepard took Garrus and Wrex for a combo of firepower plus biotics with a little dose of turian battle-sense. Liara stood at the airlock, giving her that doe-eyed look laced with bile. Shepard wasn't much for public shows of affection, but she couldn't stop herself from giving her asari a warm and wet kiss goodbye, despite the evil eye.

And then the team was on the ground, pre-loaded in the Mako.

"Time to party, cowgirls! Let's fry Saren's bony ass!"

"Shepard, I know we will make it through this mission and succeed," Garrus said to the Commander as she commandeered the wheel.

"Oh, why is that Dentures?"

"Because neither Wrex nor I want our last memory of this life to be of riding in a Mako with you at the wheel."

Illos was Tomb Raider redux, and Shepard felt like Lara Croft with much smaller boobs running through the jungles and ruins. She'd take Garrus and Wrex over a pair of double-D's in the field any day. The team had to gain access to the conduit control room, and that meant mowing down endless geth including armatures. Gods I hate armatures! They eventually encountered a Prothean VI named Vigil (_Liara would have creamed in her shorts, too bad I couldn't bring her_)who told them that the Citadel has a mass relay to dark space, aka home of the Reapers. _Holy Varren crap! _And the cycle of Reapers destroying organic sentients had been going on for millions of years, as had the Citadel. Bad times, cowgirls. Bad times. They spent some more joyous moments in the Mako to get to the relay and like Dorothy, they woke up from the tornado in the land of Oz… gone horribly wrong. The Citadel was under Reaper attack, and it broke Shepard's heart. The righteous world torn asunder.

The ground reinforcements from the Normandy arrived, and Shepard did a double take when she saw Liara marching beside Ashley. The Commander glared at Liara, shaking her head violently as she approached.

"What? What? Shepard, I am not the new Kiadan, do not bug your eyes at me and expect me to react."

"What the fuck are you doing here Liara. I gave you explicit orders to stay on the Normandy, Goddamn it."

"Clearly the bar is raised and you need everyone, including me here with you Shepard. You did not seriously believe I would sit in the med bay and weave knickers while you and the rest fought, did you?"

Shepard was blindly mad. She wanted to punch Liara hard for daring to put her precious Moon in danger. _OK, that's fucked up logic, but that's how it feels. I will take it out on Saren. But holy fucking boxers on a long stick!_

"Fine, fine (_motherfucker, piss-rat, curse the gods!_). At my 9 o'clock. Now. And fall back and cover me when we're attacked, or I will deck you now and have you carted back to the Normandy."

Liara flared her biotics. "Eat my knickers, Commander. "

"One more word out of you Moon, and your 'knickers' … oh nevermind."

* * *

**A/N:** A short chapter but work has kept me really busy. And the next chapter is the grand finale, which might otherwise become too long.


	16. Chapter 16 Phantom of the Opera

**Chapter 16 – Phantom of the Opera**

Liara sniffed the air as they strafed down the once grand avenues of the citadel. She softly but pithily said, "I smell something evil in the air."

Shepard snorted, thinking _Really? Again_? "Moon, do you have an extra special sniffer, or is that a gift all asari share? You always smell something evil somewhere."

"Shepard, focus on the mission and the geth ahead and less on me."

Wrex snickered. Garrus said "wait for it, here it comes…"

"Moon, I'd rather be focusing on your ass right now, but your sweet voice is all I have. Stay frosty back there, but not too frosty bluebell."

Garrus put his palm out and Wrex gave him five with a grunt and a laugh.

"OK, cowgirls, it's not ladies' night out for poker. Less girl talk and more focus on the target ahead. Garrus get your sniper rifle up: two geth at 11 o'clock. Wrex, get your biotics bubbling buddy for the four geth further ahead at my 2 o'clock."

The team took out random packs of geth, and it seemed too damned easy. Someone was lulling their asses into thinking this was going to be a runway walk in low heels and baggy pants. Yeah, right. They made their way to the Council Chambers, and there was Saren making like the Phantom of the Opera at a console. He looked up with arms outstretched as Sovereign came through the arms of the Citadel and clamped onto the pylon above the Council chambers. The room shook with the force of the big ship landing. It looked like the beginning of the end. _Barbequed monkey nuts on a stick!_

Shepard had another shouting pow-wow with the confused turian about his allegiance to the machines. What do you know, this wasn't a repeat of their convo on Virmire, and he listened to reason this time. Bad girl Shepard was starting to feel like a charm school graduate. Since Virmire he'd accepted Sovereign's implants because his loyalty had faltered and it looks like that didn't quite do the trick. Once again, his inner voice won out (_boy does that sound like something Sister Angela would say!_). The good news is that he stopped making like the Phantom at the keyboard, so the Reapers couldn't gain control of the Citadel systems and enter their space via the Citadel's mass relay. The bad news is that he shot himself in the neck. Dead Saren, sayonara, bye-bye. _Maybe_. Shepard had her team check to make sure he was really passing the way of the angels.

Meanwhile, the Alliance forces in the air were trying desperately to destroy the geth and particularly Sovereign. She used Vigil's nifty Prothean data file to override the console and open the Citadel's arms so Alliance forces could come in and attack Sovereign (lead by our man Joker the Fearless). Then she was off to the ball to check on one hopefully dead Saren and her team. Wonder of wonders, he'd been turned into a husk and was jumping like a junkie on crystal meth. Moon looked pale and Shepard knew Tali was two seconds away from proclaiming "my suit!" A one-two biotics plus shotgun pulse and a little krogan love from Wrex finally finished off husky Saren. They headed back upstairs to the Council chambers as the Alliance forces ended Sovereign. The perfect crescendo.

The force was too much for the building's structure and as Sovereign fell so did the roof and pillars. Shepard watched in horror as massive pieces of wall and pylons buried her two teammates. Shepard watched her own death; she was crushed like an apple under a ton of concrete. _Liara, Liara… why did I let you come here? Gods, strike me down now. Wait, you are striking me down… please take me and not Moon. _

It was over. Rescue parties unearthed dusty but intact crewmembers. Captain Anderson joined the rescue effort and made contact with Liara and Wrex. "It's over now. You're safe. We did it, Shepard did it. Where is she?"

Wrex just shook his head and looked down. Liara wept openly. Ashley emerged from behind Anderson and held Liara, rocking her softly. Garrus had come up beside Anderson and he looked down at the ground somberly, simply saying Shepard's name.

And then there were shouts from a rescue team. A lone woman forced her way out of the plaster and rubble. It was Shepard, looking indignant and dusty. She surveyed the chambers quickly and saw her blue woman. Shep's smile turned crooked and ballsy. _Good times_. She pumped her fist and said 'fuck you' to the Reapers. Then she ran to Liara and Anderson.

"Sir," she nodded to her mentor and then she entered her blue world, her asari's arms. The galaxy was safe for organics, for now. Shepard was safe as was Liara, for now. Her world was all consuming, blue and soothing. She shushed and calmed Liara, her precious Moon. Liara looked up at Shepard as if she was a particularly devilish hallucination, but when Shepard grabbed her ass and squeezed hard, she knew this was real. She reached out to Shepard with her mind and blushed at what she saw there. Yes, this is definitely real. Crazy human, does she think of nothing else? Liara giggled, then she broke out in laughter as Shepard held her with filthy but seductively strong arms. _It was over. For now. Goddess_. Tali ran up saying "keelah, you are indestructible, Commander Shepard! We have done it."

Back on board the Normandy, celebration was in the air, despite the team's exhaustion. They gathered in the mess hall and Neil Licks came up with an array of delicacies from Earth, Thessia and dextro goodness for Tali and Garrus. Varren barbeque greeted Wrex and a tray of chocolate milkshakes for Shep and humankind. Captain Scabberous dark rum made an appearance and for a night, all made merry. Tali had her arm around Ashley's waist, and her three-fingered grip seemed all that the gunnery chief needed to forget her semi-simian friend for the moment.

Neil Licks addressed the Commander, "It seems you do have a few miles to go before you sleep, as that crusty old New Englander Robert Frost once said, Commander."

"You might just be right, Licks. But don't hold me to that. And did you get that bunch of bananas I requisitioned?"

"Aye, aye Commander, right here". He pulled a huge bunch from behind the counter. Shep nodded to Liara and Moon headed out of the mess hall to return with the new Kaidan, still wearing his stylin' N7 hoodie. Licks handed the monkey a banana and the pyjak settled happily on a stool watching his mother nuzzle his other mother, Tali (_don't tell Tali I said that_).

Wrex was deeply involved in a drinking game with Garrus and the turian was clearly losing. "Shepard, holy varrenzz on a stick, I do believe blooo is your color" he slurred as he patted her shoulder with a wink and a stumble. Wrex rumbled "lightweight! I have won our bet" and slapped the loopy turian on the back. Garrus staggered forward and Liara tried to catch him. She turned to the Commander and said "Shepard, I do believe your crew makes the new Kaidan look more worthy of service than they. Perhaps it is time we retire to our quarters before he too outranks you. Please leave the glass of rum behind, we have more interesting things to consume in our cabin."

Shepard palmed the glass off to Wrex with light speed and followed her asari to their cabin. Wrex cast a meaningful glance at Garrus and said "I believe they are going to get 'funky with the monkey', as Shepard would say." They both looked at the new Kaidan and Wrex added, clearing his throat "or something to that effect."

Back at the cabin, Liara turned around to face the Commander as she entered. "Kate, we will talk about what happened today later, but for now let's explore other issues. You are still wearing your armor and we both need a shower. Shall we both get cleaned up?"

Shepard required no further instructions. She began stripping her armor off and was working on her body suit when Liara's breath shuddered like a small storm. She rarely had time to ponder Shepard's body… the way strong but slim muscles articulated perfectly, languidly. When Shepard raised her thigh to remove the suit, how her flesh moved like waves striking against a beach. Breathtaking. She sucked in her breath and held it. Waiting, waiting. Shepard's calf muscles flexed as she lifted her leg almost delicately and then the body suit pooled at her feet with auburn curls exposed where leg meets thigh. Where asari had mere pigments. Delicious. She couldn't wait or think any longer, she had to run her fingers through those curls. She pulled Shepard into a kiss that deepened quickly, needily, as her fingers coursed those curls.

"But I thought you wanted us to clean up, T'Soni." Shepard said with a smirk. They made their way into the shower together. _Always together, please gods, let it be always. I save the universe, and you give me this, OK_? Shepard looked down for a few seconds, her smile draining like water down a grate. Moon didn't miss a thing, not when it came to Shepard."What is it, my love?" The Commander shook her head quickly, thanking her bare ass that her tears masqueraded as shower droplets. "Nothing Moon, just so glad I didn't lose you. I could bear anything, but not that."

Liara's eyes widened with exasperation and she chuckled. "No Commander, I have no idea how you are feeling. No idea whatsoever. Silly human, come here and kiss me. And if you don't carry me to the bed, I will be disappointed."

Shepard pulled the slick, sleek blue woman against her. So slippery and warm; nothing was between them, not a hint of air or a stray thought. "Liara, join with me, my moon and stars."

Liara was surprised; Shepard has never instigated a meld. Though she knew the Commander enjoyed their time joined, Liara imagined Shepard as a hurdler closing her eyes and jumping while hoping for the best. "Embrace eternity." Then Shepard was in her mind, expansively like she'd never been before. The images of stark cast iron black doors were gone, replaced by Shepard's imagined scenes of them lying in the grass by an idyllic river, then rolling and laughing on a beach as they watched a little blue girl play in the shallow water. _Their_ little blue girl. Shepard's view of a perfect eternity. Liara pulled her breath in sharply then held it as disbelief and joy warred. She ran her palms across Shepard's face as if reading braille, all the while looking into those sparkling green eyes that always reflected more than they revealed. A tear dropped from Liara's eye, turning dazzling sapphire in her biotic glow. Shepard kissed the tear away and then kissed Liara's forehead lightly. She ran her thumbs across those lovable blue freckles while holding Liara's gaze. _Goddess, how I love you Shepard!_

"And I love you, Dr. Liara T'Soni. But if we had a kid, she'd be a pain the ass just like me. Just warning you, it wouldn't all be roses and chocolates."

Liara grabbed her by the ears and pulled her into a deep kiss. Shepard pulled her down on the bed, where they spent the night undisturbed by war, undisturbed by the past or the threat of the future.

Liara didn't have the heart to berate Shepard the next morning. They'd have more time to discuss Shepard's absurd efforts to exclude Liara from combat another time. And Shepard had an audience with the Council, now back in the chambers of the damaged but not ruined Citadel in 2 hours.

"Kate, what do you think they will want to discuss?"

"No idea Moon. The way things are going, they'll either give me a medal or send me to the brig. Fuckwads."

"Let us hope it's a medal and a warm embrace."

Shepard imaged a hug from the salarian councilor and cringed. Tevos? Now that might be juicy but still spooky. Shep loved asari, but only so much.

As it turned out, the Council was currently in love with its first human Spectre. Imagine that. And they wanted her input on the first human Council member: Udina or Anderson. _Booyah!_ _Next to sex and kicking Sovereign's ass, this is the best thing that's happened all week!_ The Earth Ambassador blanched as if he'd just sampled a bowl of Ginger's Chicken Curry. Anderson glowed. The matter was settled. Shanti and her siblings would spend another five years pushing pencils on obscure planets.

Shepard reminded the Council that the Reapers disappearing was every bit as likely as a krogan hug-fest. The Alliance had work to do, because it was only a matter of time before the machines found a new relay to invade the galaxy en masse. They needed a large force to search for and destroy the Reapers. Shepard felt like she was preaching atheism to a gaggle of priests. _Damned dingle-brained numbnuts!_ The best she got was her next assignment: troll the Galaxy for Reapers. The Normandy was all hers, as was her crew. Shepard's eyes got every bit as googly as Ashley's at the height of her Mad Ophelia craze. She sputtered and snarled such that only a few choice words were intelligible. "Asinine… Dumb as a pyjak… Lets all go sing a song with Mary Poppins and trade in the Normady for Chitty-Shitty Bang Bang!" Liara grabbed Shepard's hand and squeezed it before the Spectre sputtered herself into a court martial. The Council decided she'd just earned herself a two week vacation. Liara had a feeling if one more word came out of Shepard's mouth, it would be a two year vacation. _Goddess!_

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**A/N: **Next chapter, a Paris vacation and death before the story ends. This story will end with the beginning of Mass Effect 2, at the point where Shepard dies. It seems like such an obvious place to break… If I do write a follow up story, it will be darker, but still laced with humor. And yes, Liara will be in it :)


	17. Chapter 17 Lets Just Stay in Paris

**Chapter 17 – Let's Just Stay in Paris**

Paris in the springtime: the city of lovers, of cafes and cozy wine bars. A quarian, a turian and a krogan walk into a bar… rather an intimate bar warmed by the guttural mutterings of Parisian French, soft electric lights and small tables dressed with checkered tablecloths and half-drunk wine bottles. Two humans and a distinctly blue woman follow them. Paris may be cosmopolitan, but in the 22nd century, that still means folks from different countries rather than planets. Still, nobody was so rude as to stare at the unusual group as they pull up chairs. A young waiter sauntered up to them, and did a double take when he recognized the now famous Commander Shepard. Ah, that explains her unusual friends, he thought to himself.

"Bonjour mesdames et messieurs. Quesque vous voudrez boire?

"Trois verres de vin du jour et cinq verres de Tequila, si-il vous plait," Shepard answered with a suave wink at Moon.

"Oui, madame. Excuse me, but are you Commander Shepard?" the waiter asked in a heavy French accent.

"Oh mais non! I'm just another red-haired femme avec les yeux verts, amigo."

He looked at her with a combination of suspicion and knowing, something only the French can pull off...must be a WW II thing. _Vive la résistance_, Shepard thought to herself as she stared at him flatly, refusing the torture of napkin signing and crowds that had turned lunch earlier today into the Cirque de Soleil.

The couple at the next table were intent on their Oh!Phone and how flat it made the Eiffel Tower look. But the woman looked up and recognized Shepard. She stage-nudged her husband and he whipped up the Oh!Phone to snap Shep's photo, smiling sheepishly at her. _Merde. Now her photo would be off to the Oh!Cloud and the socialrazzi would be tweeting and MyFacing her every move._

Thanks to the Council, the Normandy crew has two weeks of R&R, and her team decided joining the lovebirds in gay Paris would be too good to pass up. Lucky Liara and Shepard. _Give me patience, mother of all scaly and tentacled creatures._ Only Ashley decided to use her time to visit her family and her bushel of sisters. Wrex was biggest challenge: he looked at little French Poodles like they were snack packs and his big head hardly cleared the doorways of Paris' quaint little shops. Entering the café, he nearly tore off the sign above the door.

"Shepard," Wrex bellowed, looking at her with narrowed eyes. Next to Ashley asking for permission to speak freely, Wrex's habit of growling her name while squinting at her was her least favorite thing.

"Yeah big man, what is it?"

"You were right, Battlemaster: Saren didn't have a quad and Tequila is most wonderful. The worm is especially delicious! You must order us several more glasses!"

Shepard had just ordered 5 glasses for Wrex and Garrus, and she prayed that Wrex was the one consuming most of them. _Great green gods on a stick, they'd downed them all already!_ She arched an eyebrow and looked at Chucknuts to make sure the good doctor was keeping an eye on her tickly-tentacly fella.

Shep turned to her Moon, looking radiant in a purple dress with mauve accents; figure-hugging in the asari tradition, and oh how Shep wished she were hugging that figure now!

"How do you like the merlot, Moon? It compliments your eyes and dress."

"My goodness Commander, are you trying to be suave?" Liara raised a brow as the left corner of her mouth raised slightly. She swirled the inky purple wine in her glass and blew Shepard a small air kiss. Her puckered lips were every bit as luscious as Angelina Jolie's but way less scary.

Shepard's jaw lapsed into slackness and her pupils grew distinctly larger. She took a sip of wine, then sputtered: Liara had worked her hand up Shepard's thigh. _Holy monkey toes on a too-skinny branch, how do we get out of here and back to the hotel room now?!_ The Commander took another sip and fired back by rimming her glass with her tongue, all the while maintaining eye contact with Liara.

"Keelah, you two should get a room. Wait, you already have a room that you didn't leave for the first 36 hours."

"Listen Super-Suit, you had plenty of time to make taco sauce with Ashley before we left the Normandy. You'll just have to wait for the desert enchiladas until she gets back from visiting her family."

"Bosh'tet, we finally get away from that pyjak and the best I can do is watch you two suck lips."

"That's 'suck face' Tali. You don't get to watch us suck lips," Shepard snorted.

"Good one, Shepard!" Wrex shouted.

_Fucking chaperones from hell, that's enough! I have got to get us away now! _"Chucknuts, can you babysit these drunks for a few hours? I promised Liara I'd take her to the Louvre."

Garrus was wrapping some part of his facial anatomy around Karin's cheek, but she tore herself away to say, "but of course Commander, the two of you have earned your time together and I can control these three for a week more easily than I could control you for an hour in my Med Bay. Adieu, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell."

The couple left the wine bar and took a skycar to the Louvre. Shepard wanted to show Moon the Mona Lisa, and then the Picasso museum on the Left Bank. They made it to the Louve in no time, and Liara admired the great glass pyramid at its entrance. The Commander bubbled with excitement as they entered the great museum and made their way to Da Vinci's most famous painting.

"Shepard, she is creepy. She stares at me no matter where I walk."

"That's the idea Moon, it's an amazing thing when a painting can actually watch you move through a room."

"It is frightening, Shepard. And her eyes… She has what you call bedroom eyes but I do not even know this woman. Why would I want her to look at me in that way?"

"Because it's sexy, Moon. It's called Bella Donna, lovely lady. But it really refers to her dilated pupils and how that makes you feel like you're the most important and sexy thing on the planet."

"It is scarier than your old Earth horror vids, Commander."

Shepard sighed. Liara twitched.

"And her cheeks are very chubby. Yet you have compared me to her. Do you think my face is that much like your Earth chipmunks?"

Shepard dropped her forehead into her hand.

They tried the Picasso museum next. Cubism left Moon cold. They stood in front of The Old Guitarist, from the artist's famous Blue Period (and safely pre-Cubist). So dark, so evocative of suffering.

"Shepard, did you think I would like this based solely on its color palette," Liara asked in her most matter of fact archaeologist's voice. "He is most certainly blue, but his foot appears broken and it faces at an impossible angle. His knees may well be dislocated and I believe his pale blue tone may be due to the fact that he appears to already be dead."

"That's the idea, Moon. It shows the suffering the living endure."

Guernica was no better. One of the most famous artistic renditions of war fell on deaf eyes. Cubism meets suffering apparently didn't transcend planetary aesthetics.

"Shepard, it reminds me of your visions from the beacon. It is most difficult to look at."

Shepard ushered Liara to the classical Greco-Roman sculptures that lined the Left Bank.

"Now this is lovely, Shepard! The strong and proud stances, the determined faces. The lines of muscle that reflect the light. How they remind me of you… of your naked body. Her grin turned lascivious. They decided it was time to return to the hotel room. Together, sans chaperones.

Shepard hadn't taken two weeks off in her life, nor had she wanted to. But those weeks in Paris passed like two days. Before she could click her boots twice and say "there's no place like the fuckin' Normandy" that's exactly where she was. Moon had signed on for the long haul and the rest of her had crew returned. Thank the gods for Moon sticking with her. Shepard could no longer remember life without her blue girl. Correction: Shepard no longer wanted to remember life before Liara. Life was now somehow suddenly about living. Do you really have to approach 30 years old to start actually living your life? How delightfully disconcerting.

They were fishing for Reapers and geth across the galaxy without much help, thank you fuckwad Council. Honestly, their first few days in space were as exciting as reading _War and Peace_ backwards. Then a shot ripped through their hull. _What the fuck?_ Joker saw some sort of large vessel, and it wasn't a Reaper ship and then blam! The blast from Hades, followed by ten more. _Fucking monkey nuts on an extra pointy stick!_ The Commander sent everyone to battle stations but that didn't work out well: consoles were bursting in flames. XO Pressly got his face burned off. Bye-bye, Pressly. _Oh, varren doo-doo! Shit, shit, shit!_ They were taking massive hits and life support was failing. Shepard sent the entire crew to escape pods. They'd radioed for Alliance backup and they'd pick up the pods soon enough. She tasked Moon with making sure everyone evac-d ASAP. Even the new Kaidan boarded an escape pod with two mommies holding his hands or paws or whatever! _Time to focus, Shepard. Put on that space suit and make like a hero._ But Moon, precious Moon was giving her grief. The blue wonder wanted Shepard to join her in the evac. Shep was tempted until Liara told her Joker was still at the helm. _Crap, dingle-brains pilot!_ She'd have to rip him from the controls herself and stuff his brittle ass into an escape pod.

"Liara, make sure everyone gets on escape pods. NOW!"

"But Shepard, you must join us, the Normandy is lost! Kate!"

"I know that, Moon. But I've got to get Joker. As soon as I've got him loaded, I'll be right there with him."

"Kate, please…"

"Now, Liara!"

"Aye, aye, Commander."

How it so fucking hurt to hear Liara say those words. The resignation. The fear. Shepard sucked. She wanted to tell Liara how much she loved her, but there was no time and that kind of confession might admit how deeply they were mired in monkey crap. Instead she ran off to fetch Joker. The Normandy was breached so badly she had to traverse the upper deck with a view of open space. _Holy Tequila worms on a pink umbrella!_ She made it to the helm and crossed the barrier that was keeping Joker alive. She convinced him that his girlfriend, the Normandy, was about to be history and got him into an escape pod. She was ready to join him when another breach spaced her. _Good night nurse._

She was free-floating in space not far from the Normandy, but at least she wasn't face-fried like Pressly or watching her toes and liver float away 10 meters in front of her face. She had enough air to last four hours, and the Alliance backup would be there for her crew and her. _Cancel that, Sister Holy Fuck Up_, she felt short of breath, and panic attacks weren't her style so that wasn't the reason. There was definitely a problem with oxygen. Her mind started wandering to Moon, her precious blue Moon. _Why didn't I tell you I loved you, sweet girl?_ Then her mother was coming at her madly, throttling her and shaking her like a junk bin doll and she couldn't breathe. Oh, the look of hatred on mom's face… it took away her will, no it took her *right* to live. _Gods someone help me please! I'm passing out. Fuck, I'm in space not on Earth with my parents, get a grip Shep and check your air line!_ She flailed and grabbed for the line at the back of her neck. _Oh, Blessed Virgin Mary, it was leaking like a farting krogan!_

Kaidan waved at her, he was float-walking toward her with his Gibson guitar slung across his back. He had a welcoming smile. Jenkins was sitting behind Kaidan on a sun-bathed rock. She could hear the ocean and the waves. Jenkins was smiling. She wanted to go to him. Some of the Marines from the Akuze mission sat in a circle behind him on the beach, watching a bonfire contentedly. Probably a clambake. It was a summer and early evening. The sun was warm and the sand was bathed in yellow-orange. "C'mon Shepard, the water's fine here and the food is great." Oh, how she wanted to join them, but not without Moon, her Liara. _Please, Liara, where are you? I need you now, let's have a good time on the beach._ Then Liara appeared in front of her, floating in a majestic mottled blue cloud. "Shepard, don't go! Please Kate, stay with me. You don't want to die, stay with me. You said you loved me." Liara reached her hands out, but Shepard was being pulled toward the planet below by cruel gravity. _No, no! Fuck let me stay with my blue Moon! I can't do this without her. I'm sorry, Liara. I do love you more than the moon and stars! _She was gone.

A month after the Normandy had been massively outgunned and destroyed; the Alliance still had no clue. The Collectors? Maybe But they'd never admit to it. Without Shepard, no one would make them face reality. And that spelled the doom of all races in the galaxy, Liara thought quietly to herself. She'd refused to face Shepard's death. She would not even attend Shepard's funeral. Her teammates were shocked, but they didn't feel what she felt: that Shepard wasn't gone. So many counted on that crazy human. I counted on her. By the Goddess, I love her! Perhaps Benezia was correct: how could I possibly return to the quiet, remote life of an archaeologist now? Perhaps I wasn't meant for the hermit's life. The galaxy needs us, they need Shepard. A strange chain smoking man had contacted Liara and he claimed to not only know where Shepard's body was, but how she might be resurrected. Human medical technology was apparently that advanced, if you had the credits. And he claimed to have the credits, thanks to a powerful organization called Cerberus. I'm not the innocent girl who runs from conflict and pomp anymore. I am not in this alone. I will find Shepard. I will find her and she will live. Liara wiped a stray tear from her eye and smiled with resolve. It was the only thing to do.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks for sticking with me and Kate to the end! To be continued in the next story, entitled "How do you like your Green Eyed Girl". More Shep and Liara pairing in an ME2/ME3 combo story. More humor, more darkness and no ME3 crap ending!


End file.
